Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Fuck The Old Friends

Suffice it to say, i don't have many friends, if any; the older you get the more set in your ways you feel about making friends with other people.

I can say that i'm more of a great friend to those few i truly connect with rather than being a good friend to all of those around me.

You may not know it, but so many people give away the person they are and not know it, not to say they try to hide it, but it flows out for people to see, if they are actually looking, i see this and most of the times I can tell that this is a person i really dont want to get to know; those people that can trust a stranger more than the people they've known for years just never have their eyes open.  I cannot fathom opening up to someone so wide about what's in my heart and head, just because they may have a trusting face or are friendly.

Well the reason for these feelings is I received a text from someone i thought was my best friend asking if i can visit him and his family out of state with my family for a reunion of sorts with the rest of our "friends"; mind you the others were never really my friend, they all gravitated to him and in true selfish fashion only cared about knowing the charismatic friend or maybe stay friends with the one that can help you get the most ass and not really making it a group friendship.  Fun group right?  Not really, but being young and having no one stable in your life to guide you in the best direction....you just deal with what comes your way.

I gave it some thought but ultimately i'm not going to go, for better or worse i walked away from all of them, they served no real purpose or never made an effort to be friends, add to the mix that most have families now so attention is directed elsewhere.

Now i'm learning that if you project outward about issues, you need to flip the coin and look inward.

In-spite of what happened to me as a child having the desires of the mind that i have and coming from the hood, wasn't a good mix to making friends, at least with those that would make growing up fun.  Not many wanted to be friends with the smart fat kid who loved to learn and explore and just didn't have, at the time, a heavy heart.

It actually made me a target for asshole i couldn't do anything about and all the stuff that happened to me shaped me in certain ways and i hate talking about this.  You ever had so much pain in your past that even taking a deep breath hurts your chest and knowing that if those that were suppose to love you raised you right, maybe you wouldn't be so damaged.

Why is it so hard to find someone who has the same insight as you, someone willing to understand you so deeply that they can look at you and instead of asking you "what's wrong", just know or at least know how to talk to you, comfort you and expect the same in return.

I'm trying to change so i don't become a lonely old man where people just check on you to make sure your alive from time to time.

I don't know, I feel so helpless sometimes, and wish someone would come to my rescue without me having to scream for them to come.

If you love someone with all your heart, hug them with our heart, talk to them, discover again what it is about that that you love so much and they will know it's alright and they will start to heal and be a better person.

Ignore them and watch them die a slow painful lonely mental and emotional death.

No comments: