I went to therapy twice in my life and i'm all for it; it helps try to lift off the boulders you have on yourself or maybe brush off the rocks that you may have on your shoulders, but as always if you don't push through it, those fucking things just roll right back on you and you have to start over again to keep from feeling crushed.
It's always hard in the beginning because you are forced to face and discover the feelings and situations that affect or shape you. It feels like spilling sand on a carpet and trying to get every grain back in the bottle.....you cant and you just have to deal with it. You do get stronger after a while though.
Before that, because i come from the Spanish culture, if you feel bad about something or bad shit just keeps happening the blame shifts to someone putting a hex/curse/evil eye/etc on you and you need those "professionals" to help "cleanse and protect you". In my opinion, it's a matter of each of those things to help try to change your perspective on what's going on; sort of like "if you feel relieved good luck (Santeria) or happiness (therapy) will come your way". Yes it's a weird outlook if you haven't experienced both/either.
But i'm just here to talk about the therapy side and what it helped me discover, which were:
*Before the onset of my Crohn's, my sadness and inversion of my personality was due to my molestation; unless i clicked with you, drunk or in a happy situation, i am the most quite person you'll ever meet; i dont trust anyone, ever, if a family member that is so close to you can shatter your trust, imaging someone you dont know, what they can do to you........that was my outlook for a while, its soften, but still lingers
*No consistent father figure in my life, being the only boy, in the family......put it this way, if you didn't know.....A MALE CHILD NEEDS A FUCKING FATHER IN HIS LIFE......PERIOD. Try constructing a building without a foundation, trust me you're going to be rebuilding that structure your whole fucking life, as it relates to a male child that has been violated.......he becomes a hollow person.
*I felt i didn't get the support from my mother that i should have gotten, even if you're not smarter than your children, learn along with them, explore with them and discover; we never made that connection. She's my mom and i love her, but depend on her, rarely.....put it this way, even if you hate hospitals, would you set that aside to visit your own child in one, your only son, your youngest? Well she never has and no a phone call doesn't count.....not when i drop everything for anyone i care about to be at their side
*Never cared to connect with my older sisters, since it seemed they never wanted to connect with me for whatever reason. When people speak of that sibling connection i just shrug my shoulders and say "what's that?"
*Always felt i should suffer in silence
*I find it hard to care for someone that doesnt give me in return what i give them, doesnt apply to people i love (see next)
*I fight for the things in my life until i cant anymore, i wasn't given much, so what little i do have its hard for me to let go....love, material, emotional, spiritual.....i'd rather it kill me than let it go because i see the value in it and you dont trash something that's worth holding on to, nor do you run from it....maybe it's the "fix it" side of me......i dont have a "run away and replace it" type of personality. Not with people anyway.
There are others, but that's it for now. I'll go back soon when time allows, but giving myself time to write about it is my own therapy, at any age it doesnt hurt to heal yourself and your mind needs as much healing as your heart, soul and body.
Dont let your demons drive the people you love away. Get help.
It's always hard in the beginning because you are forced to face and discover the feelings and situations that affect or shape you. It feels like spilling sand on a carpet and trying to get every grain back in the bottle.....you cant and you just have to deal with it. You do get stronger after a while though.
Before that, because i come from the Spanish culture, if you feel bad about something or bad shit just keeps happening the blame shifts to someone putting a hex/curse/evil eye/etc on you and you need those "professionals" to help "cleanse and protect you". In my opinion, it's a matter of each of those things to help try to change your perspective on what's going on; sort of like "if you feel relieved good luck (Santeria) or happiness (therapy) will come your way". Yes it's a weird outlook if you haven't experienced both/either.
But i'm just here to talk about the therapy side and what it helped me discover, which were:
*Before the onset of my Crohn's, my sadness and inversion of my personality was due to my molestation; unless i clicked with you, drunk or in a happy situation, i am the most quite person you'll ever meet; i dont trust anyone, ever, if a family member that is so close to you can shatter your trust, imaging someone you dont know, what they can do to you........that was my outlook for a while, its soften, but still lingers
*No consistent father figure in my life, being the only boy, in the family......put it this way, if you didn't know.....A MALE CHILD NEEDS A FUCKING FATHER IN HIS LIFE......PERIOD. Try constructing a building without a foundation, trust me you're going to be rebuilding that structure your whole fucking life, as it relates to a male child that has been violated.......he becomes a hollow person.
*I felt i didn't get the support from my mother that i should have gotten, even if you're not smarter than your children, learn along with them, explore with them and discover; we never made that connection. She's my mom and i love her, but depend on her, rarely.....put it this way, even if you hate hospitals, would you set that aside to visit your own child in one, your only son, your youngest? Well she never has and no a phone call doesn't count.....not when i drop everything for anyone i care about to be at their side
*Never cared to connect with my older sisters, since it seemed they never wanted to connect with me for whatever reason. When people speak of that sibling connection i just shrug my shoulders and say "what's that?"
*Always felt i should suffer in silence
*I find it hard to care for someone that doesnt give me in return what i give them, doesnt apply to people i love (see next)
*I fight for the things in my life until i cant anymore, i wasn't given much, so what little i do have its hard for me to let go....love, material, emotional, spiritual.....i'd rather it kill me than let it go because i see the value in it and you dont trash something that's worth holding on to, nor do you run from it....maybe it's the "fix it" side of me......i dont have a "run away and replace it" type of personality. Not with people anyway.
There are others, but that's it for now. I'll go back soon when time allows, but giving myself time to write about it is my own therapy, at any age it doesnt hurt to heal yourself and your mind needs as much healing as your heart, soul and body.
Dont let your demons drive the people you love away. Get help.
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