The hardest thing you can feel is alone......especially when you give so much of yourself to everyone; if they ask, you do, but they don't really mean it when they say "are you OK, do you need anything", i always sense that they think "thanks for helping me, but please don't ask me for anything, i don't want to do shit for anyone, even the people that help me".
OK, it's not like i'm 100% alone in the world, but you would think of those you love would show up and really ask.....really mean it, if they just asked you "are you OK"; not in the sense of "let me check up on him then go back to whatever it is i was doing". I'm not a piece of furniture that needs a dusting every now and then. A human being needs understanding, needs an outlet and a shoulder to express themselves to, without judgement.
If you feel "emptied of your stress" and are able to vent....are you doing all you can for that person as well, are they smiling saying everything is "ok", but you know they have pain behind their eyes?
I can't even remember the last time my own mother and father did that for me, let alone my own sisters, and here i thought even family looked out no matter what. It does extend to my former friends as well, only seeing what's up when they needed someone to go out with, needed a favor, because you can do something they can't or borrow something.
Who knows, maybe it's all my fault, someone close to me always tells me, it's how you carry yourself that no one wants to approach you; in a sense yes, but what can I say "i was shattered as a youth because i was molested........that making connections with people is hard"; i was violated by someone that i should have trusted and my guard is always up, if it never happened to you, then i don't expect you to understand fully, but don't disregard the person because they are not "fun" in your eyes all the time or when you want them to be.
It just takes us a little longer to feel comfortable around others because there is always something in the back of our minds that prevent us from getting close to other people or exposing a side of ourselves that we buried away under the pain we feel.
But i realized one big thing, i'm not worth anyone's time for them to change for me, even though I am the thoughtful type of person to change for someone else if they need me to. Now that feeling really hurts.
People can change, you just have to want to change for them.....but if you tell yourself "no, i'm not changing" then you already decided the person asking you is not worth it, regardless if they already changed for you, even after you asked them to.
Just my thoughts, tired of them rattling around in my head not expressed then fading away.
OK, it's not like i'm 100% alone in the world, but you would think of those you love would show up and really ask.....really mean it, if they just asked you "are you OK"; not in the sense of "let me check up on him then go back to whatever it is i was doing". I'm not a piece of furniture that needs a dusting every now and then. A human being needs understanding, needs an outlet and a shoulder to express themselves to, without judgement.
If you feel "emptied of your stress" and are able to vent....are you doing all you can for that person as well, are they smiling saying everything is "ok", but you know they have pain behind their eyes?
I can't even remember the last time my own mother and father did that for me, let alone my own sisters, and here i thought even family looked out no matter what. It does extend to my former friends as well, only seeing what's up when they needed someone to go out with, needed a favor, because you can do something they can't or borrow something.
Who knows, maybe it's all my fault, someone close to me always tells me, it's how you carry yourself that no one wants to approach you; in a sense yes, but what can I say "i was shattered as a youth because i was molested........that making connections with people is hard"; i was violated by someone that i should have trusted and my guard is always up, if it never happened to you, then i don't expect you to understand fully, but don't disregard the person because they are not "fun" in your eyes all the time or when you want them to be.
It just takes us a little longer to feel comfortable around others because there is always something in the back of our minds that prevent us from getting close to other people or exposing a side of ourselves that we buried away under the pain we feel.
But i realized one big thing, i'm not worth anyone's time for them to change for me, even though I am the thoughtful type of person to change for someone else if they need me to. Now that feeling really hurts.
People can change, you just have to want to change for them.....but if you tell yourself "no, i'm not changing" then you already decided the person asking you is not worth it, regardless if they already changed for you, even after you asked them to.
Just my thoughts, tired of them rattling around in my head not expressed then fading away.
No comments:
Post a Comment