Hate I Bid Thee Farewell‏

I marked February as the time I let go of the hate I kept in my heart for years; why you ask?  My divorce is final......should I dance and sing Gods praises?  Yes and No.  I'll explain because this is going to be the first and last time I speak publicly on this.  If you follow my blog from time to time you can see words coming from me aren't a problem, but this was just too private for me to even address as it was happening; those close to me know how painful it was for me.

I said Yes because this marriage ended up being poison to every part of me, I almost lost good friends, family and damn near my sanity trying to hold something together with someone that in the long run I wasn't compatible with; details aside, and yes I take some blame for it through youthful inexperience and bullheadedness, but to all of you reading this understand that marriage is 50/50 and if you extend yourself past that then there is a problem in need of correction; if not expect it to fall apart in front of your eyes.

The No, is basically, it hurt my heart that I made a life long promise to God that I would love and build with this person for life, I took that vow seriously.  To see it unravel, then fall past a point where it will not come back is one of the most painful feelings your heart can feel, it's the death of love and the birth of hate that makes every cell in your body want to scream "I HATE YOU" to the person who's hand you held, eyes you've locked on, the person you'd considered your other half and in front of God's servant who spoke God's words from the bible, waiting with a fast beating heart in your chest to speak those two words that were meant to be a lifetime seal on a new life where two became one......."I Do".

This pain now must be put aside for the future of my new love, my sanity and the child we plan to bring into this world.  To hate is incredibly easy; it was one of the few things that brought me to my knees, to question life itself, God's love for me and if I had a place on this planet.  The bad things another person can make you feel when you're told your not living to THEIR expectations can be devastating.  It just shows abuse can come in many forms.  But true love has lifted me pass this and all I can do is give my life to this person who loves me more than I love myself (sometimes).

The lessons learned will never be forgotten, the pain has healed and happiness has entered my life; I travel a new road and my focus is not to repeat the past and create something that i will be pleasantly surprised with, I believe it's possible.

For all that I am, I ask you to see me for my positivity and wisdom; forgive any anger and negativity.


BSoM