I BURN

I feel like i'm burning away into nothing; those around me just don't get what it feels to be my age, jobless, fat, on welfare, not respected, not as handsome as the men they secretly want to connect with.

I feel that if you look at the bottom of a pit and go six feet deeper, that's where i'll be; i'm tired of feeling this way; i don't want to feel like a loser, someone that not dependable, a child among his own children and someone that cannot be who someone thought they could be.

I just thought if i give all of myself i would get that in return; if i would give all my understanding i'll get that in return; if i defended all those that i truly love......i'll get that in return.

I wasted so much of myself to others......i have nothing left......no good is coming my way......no one can save me anymore......no one will help me or fight for me as i have done for those in the past.....to feel truly alone is to be truly worthless.

Tears run down my eyes when i wait for those supportive words I've given to others to come my way, to strengthen me, to support me, to make me feel that it is not the end.....i don't know how much longer i have left in my to suffer like this.

Maybe they'll get what they want once i'm gone.......

Another Semester

fast/slow/scream/do this/do that/what are you doing/but I told you/you don't listen/where are you/help/i don't know/he's just a friend/you're crazy/you're jealous/it was only once/i'm never going to stop/loser.........

Mistakes

The thing about hiding/ignoring your own mistakes is that you attack people more viciously for the mistakes they make around you or to you

You need to understand the powerful nature of the person or persons around you that forgive your mistakes and still show you love, but that doesn't last nor do those people.....they tend to drift away if their mistakes aren't equally forgiven

If you're tearing yourself, your mind, your soul, your essence apart, shouldn't the person that loves you be the glue to help put you back together....

Be the hand that helps guide the pieces in the right place or at least be the comfort your need to know that no matter how you're shattered that there is that love regardless of your pain

I do have the right to feel my pain, but strength....please let me set aside my hurt to see what I can gain.......from it

Maybe if I die now you'd realize what your had and took for granted....

The heart is the victim of a busy life

Tired of being fucking ignored while other people get the attention i should be getting, they get the cute words and the flirty side, they are the ones getting looked at like a plate of food and you act like you've never fucking eaten, you have good food at home you're letting get stale; tired of getting put down while their ego gets pushed up with the how you speak and smile at them; tired of feeling lonely and having to push past my pain and fears to have you show your love for me; i feel alone and yes it's my fault, but love should have brought me back, you just have to believe in me and show it; you have to see the things in me that you saw, you have to be there for the person that's been there, the person that will hold you down until he dies, but you look at me like "just hurry up and die so i can find your replacement" after your tears dry.

The love i want is there, but through the ride of our lives together made you lock it away, tell me if i still have the key...........i'll do anything in this world to find it and have that love again.

Funny how things clear up and you think you have time on your hands, but all the stuff you put the the side, slides right back in front of you........I think this time around i'm gonna just dump so much stuff from my life that it will be hard for it to accumulate.

Time for me to start knocking things down rather then them knocking me down, tired of not feeling like a man, tired of making comprimises that chip away at how people look at me as if i'm losing who i should be.......but who should i be, there is no template, only a slate to build on or wipe clean.

Tell me how I should be and i'll show you nothing, encourage me to do anything and i'll bring you back the world, tell me that i'm nothing and i'll hang you with your words.

The hardest thing you can feel is alone......especially when you give so much of yourself to everyone; if they ask, you do, but they don't really mean it when they say "are you OK, do you need anything", i always sense that they think "thanks for helping me, but please don't ask me for anything, i don't want to do shit for anyone, even the people that help me".

OK, it's not like i'm 100% alone in the world, but you would think of those you love would show up and really ask.....really mean it, if they just asked you "are you OK"; not in the sense of "let me check up on him then go back to whatever it is i was doing".  I'm not a piece of furniture that needs a dusting every now and then.  A human being needs understanding, needs an outlet and a shoulder to express themselves to, without judgement.

If you feel "emptied of your stress" and are able to vent....are you doing all you can for that person as well, are they smiling saying everything is "ok", but you know they have pain behind their eyes?

I can't even remember the last time my own mother and father did that for me, let alone my own sisters, and here i thought even family looked out no matter what.  It does extend to my former friends as well, only seeing what's up when they needed someone to go out with, needed a favor, because you can do something they can't or borrow something.

Who knows, maybe it's all my fault, someone close to me always tells me, it's how you carry yourself that no one wants to approach you; in a sense yes, but what can I say "i was shattered as a youth because i was molested........that making connections with people is hard"; i was violated by someone that i should have trusted and my guard is always up, if it never happened to you, then i don't expect you to understand fully, but don't disregard the person because they are not "fun" in your eyes all the time or when you want them to be.

It just takes us a little longer to feel comfortable around others because there is always something in the back of our minds that prevent us from getting close to other people or exposing a side of ourselves that we buried away under the pain we feel.

But i realized one big thing, i'm not worth anyone's time for them to change for me, even though I am the thoughtful type of person to change for someone else if they need me to.  Now that feeling really hurts.

People can change, you just have to want to change for them.....but if you tell yourself "no, i'm not changing" then you already decided the person asking you is not worth it, regardless if they already changed for you, even after you asked them to.

Just my thoughts, tired of them rattling around in my head not expressed then fading away.

If you don't fight for the essence of your relationship, you have no right to feel the pain of losing the most loyal person in your life.  Ask yourself, who is the most loyal to you and how bad have you hurt them, yet they ride or die for you as if nothing happened?

Usually we only get one person like that in our lifetime.........

Wondering if Therapy Helped

I went to therapy twice in my life and i'm all for it; it helps try to lift off the boulders you have on yourself or maybe brush off the rocks that you may have on your shoulders, but as always if you don't push through it, those fucking things just roll right back on you and you have to start over again to keep from feeling crushed.

It's always hard in the beginning because you are forced to face and discover the feelings and situations that affect or shape you.  It feels like spilling sand on a carpet and trying to get every grain back in the bottle.....you cant and you just have to deal with it.  You do get stronger after a while though.

Before that, because i come from the Spanish culture, if you feel bad about something or bad shit just keeps happening the blame shifts to someone putting a hex/curse/evil eye/etc on you and you need those "professionals" to help "cleanse and protect you".  In my opinion, it's a matter of each of those things to help try to change your perspective on what's going on; sort of like "if you feel relieved good luck (Santeria) or happiness (therapy) will come your way".  Yes it's a weird outlook if you haven't experienced both/either.

But i'm just here to talk about the therapy side and what it helped me discover, which were:

*Before the onset of my Crohn's, my sadness and inversion of my personality was due to my molestation; unless i clicked with you, drunk or in a happy situation, i am the most quite person you'll ever meet; i dont trust anyone, ever, if a family member that is so close to you can shatter your trust, imaging someone you dont know, what they can do to you........that was my outlook for a while, its soften, but still lingers

*No consistent father figure in my life, being the only boy, in the family......put it this way, if you didn't know.....A MALE CHILD NEEDS A FUCKING FATHER IN HIS LIFE......PERIOD.  Try constructing a building without a foundation, trust me you're going to be rebuilding that structure your whole fucking life, as it relates to a male child that has been violated.......he becomes a hollow person.

*I felt i didn't get the support from my mother that i should have gotten, even if you're not smarter than your children, learn along with them, explore with them and discover; we never made that connection.  She's my mom and i love her, but depend on her, rarely.....put it this way, even if you hate hospitals, would you set that aside to visit your own child in one, your only son, your youngest?  Well she never has and no a phone call doesn't count.....not when i drop everything for anyone i care about to be at their side

*Never cared to connect with my older sisters, since it seemed they never wanted to connect with me for whatever reason.  When people speak of that sibling connection i just shrug my shoulders and say "what's that?"

*Always felt i should suffer in silence

*I find it hard to care for someone that doesnt give me in return what i give them, doesnt apply to people i love (see next)

*I fight for the things in my life until i cant anymore, i wasn't given much, so what little i do have its hard for me to let go....love, material, emotional, spiritual.....i'd rather it kill me than let it go because i see the value in it and you dont trash something that's worth holding on to, nor do you run from it....maybe it's the "fix it" side of me......i dont have a "run away and replace it" type of personality.  Not with people anyway.

There are others, but that's it for now.  I'll go back soon when time allows, but giving myself time to write about it is my own therapy, at any age it doesnt hurt to heal yourself and your mind needs as much healing as your heart, soul and body.

Dont let your demons drive the people you love away.  Get help.

Trying to give myself an hour to write everyday to see if the pattern changes

With this time i'm taking to write i'm relieving the pressure,
Keeping my mind from imploding
my heart from exploding
my love from dying
from spewing the words that would hurt them, but fill me with disease
if i was writing this with a pen my hand would catch the illest cramp
a death grip to release these poison thoughts that cage the real me and help keep the bottle empty as to not explode
but i pound these keys while in the back of my head assess the the constant equation of self-worth+stress=a lesser me

Don't be sad for me, when i'm happy i'm not here; when i'm sad i'll think i'll never leave; as long as the revolving door keeps turning i'll never be trapped on either side and new perspectives will be discovered

Always remember a little caring and attention goes a long way, pick your eyes up from whatever it is that doesn't matter; the people in your life will disappear in a beat of a hummingbirds heart

Fuck The Old Friends

Suffice it to say, i don't have many friends, if any; the older you get the more set in your ways you feel about making friends with other people.

I can say that i'm more of a great friend to those few i truly connect with rather than being a good friend to all of those around me.

You may not know it, but so many people give away the person they are and not know it, not to say they try to hide it, but it flows out for people to see, if they are actually looking, i see this and most of the times I can tell that this is a person i really dont want to get to know; those people that can trust a stranger more than the people they've known for years just never have their eyes open.  I cannot fathom opening up to someone so wide about what's in my heart and head, just because they may have a trusting face or are friendly.

Well the reason for these feelings is I received a text from someone i thought was my best friend asking if i can visit him and his family out of state with my family for a reunion of sorts with the rest of our "friends"; mind you the others were never really my friend, they all gravitated to him and in true selfish fashion only cared about knowing the charismatic friend or maybe stay friends with the one that can help you get the most ass and not really making it a group friendship.  Fun group right?  Not really, but being young and having no one stable in your life to guide you in the best direction....you just deal with what comes your way.

I gave it some thought but ultimately i'm not going to go, for better or worse i walked away from all of them, they served no real purpose or never made an effort to be friends, add to the mix that most have families now so attention is directed elsewhere.

Now i'm learning that if you project outward about issues, you need to flip the coin and look inward.

In-spite of what happened to me as a child having the desires of the mind that i have and coming from the hood, wasn't a good mix to making friends, at least with those that would make growing up fun.  Not many wanted to be friends with the smart fat kid who loved to learn and explore and just didn't have, at the time, a heavy heart.

It actually made me a target for asshole i couldn't do anything about and all the stuff that happened to me shaped me in certain ways and i hate talking about this.  You ever had so much pain in your past that even taking a deep breath hurts your chest and knowing that if those that were suppose to love you raised you right, maybe you wouldn't be so damaged.

Why is it so hard to find someone who has the same insight as you, someone willing to understand you so deeply that they can look at you and instead of asking you "what's wrong", just know or at least know how to talk to you, comfort you and expect the same in return.

I'm trying to change so i don't become a lonely old man where people just check on you to make sure your alive from time to time.

I don't know, I feel so helpless sometimes, and wish someone would come to my rescue without me having to scream for them to come.

If you love someone with all your heart, hug them with our heart, talk to them, discover again what it is about that that you love so much and they will know it's alright and they will start to heal and be a better person.

Ignore them and watch them die a slow painful lonely mental and emotional death.

Gotta love a shitty mantra

I hold my tongue because I have a good heart; even when I'm mad, but not when I'm pissed off, then the locks come off.  Even when I'm called names, shamed about my body and made to seem I'm not built like a man;  is that how you make a good person better, tear them down, not care about their mental stress and do nothing for them because they are not worth the focus you put on other people?  Funny I thought making sure I'm stable, the way I made sure you were, was one of your first priorities.  A guys pretty face, one that is already admired by another woman makes you ignore the ugly face that held you down through everything.

This is a sort of thing that comes and goes, but why should it be there in the first place; why should I be use to it, maybe my heart doesn't know any better; when you look to love unconditionally it seems like it's the best time to abuse it, love given so freely is not a love many desire, but should I mistreat you, maybe I might get the love I deserve, but I can't and I won't..........whatever, I have a million other things I need to focus on and the only thing encouraging me is me.

Good job, do your thing and stop being a loser......my new mantra.

When you think to yourself or say to someone "I don't know/understand you or the person you are right now" maybe you stop taking the time out to learn from them, guess you'd rather be spoon fed the information rather than seek it and learn for yourself, then you blame them when you're starving........

This only applies if the person you're becoming disconnected from is NOT doing dirt behind your back, then of course they would be different, they are actively hiding stuff from you that normally changes their behavior if you're looking close enough.

Hate dealing with selfish people, especially when you go out of your way to never treat them bad....

Pulled Apart, Back Together

maybe i need to pull apart everything about me that makes me who i am and hopefully i can put it back together and become something better, maybe i wont and just leave the pieces where they lay; i dont know yet....................

HOLDING ON

It's hard when no one has faith in you; especially when you give so much to support someone in any way, then you want that same support back, but only get doubt, questions and non-understanding.

They see others as perfect and see you as garbage, maybe that's why those guys get more of their time then you do...........

When Did I Become A Blackhole

Since time has passed and no one follows this page, I just do this for me; I don't talk anymore, nor do I have anyone who I can talk to that will actually give a shit past their own problems.

I am just tired and given how things are in my life, i'm just depressed; i had a lot of things going on in my life that for right now just makes me feel hopeless.  One of the major things that has happened to me was when i was young i was molested by my cousin Carlos Diaz, from my fathers side; if you haven't been sexually assaulted and you know someone who has and they are older, dealing with them can be very difficult.  One thing you have to understand, no matter how old the person is and they've been through this traumatic experience and cant put the person responsible behind bars, we think about it everyday; not a day goes by I don't give it thought and either shut down, lash out or blame myself; not everyday is dark, but i wish their were more brighter days for me.

I've been to therapy, but that was for couples counselling and we've touched on it because it, among other issues, are affecting us.

Being abused automatically puts a mask on your whole entire self, and those close to you that see under the mask have to deal with a lot, it's not their fault, they just don't understand what you been through and some just think "why cant you just get over it, it's been so long, move on"; that is callous thinking and with these deep scars we cant, we can only manage it.

I , dont know what else to say, i have a lot of things just weighing me down from my past and present that i dont really want to express or complain about, I know no one cares, but yet when they come to you to express themselves, I better care or i'm the one that seem cold and callous.

When you see someone with a mask, dont look at the eyes of the mask, look at the bottom of it to see if you see tears dripping out from beneath it.