Hate I Bid Thee Farewell‏

I marked February as the time I let go of the hate I kept in my heart for years; why you ask?  My divorce is final......should I dance and sing Gods praises?  Yes and No.  I'll explain because this is going to be the first and last time I speak publicly on this.  If you follow my blog from time to time you can see words coming from me aren't a problem, but this was just too private for me to even address as it was happening; those close to me know how painful it was for me.

I said Yes because this marriage ended up being poison to every part of me, I almost lost good friends, family and damn near my sanity trying to hold something together with someone that in the long run I wasn't compatible with; details aside, and yes I take some blame for it through youthful inexperience and bullheadedness, but to all of you reading this understand that marriage is 50/50 and if you extend yourself past that then there is a problem in need of correction; if not expect it to fall apart in front of your eyes.

The No, is basically, it hurt my heart that I made a life long promise to God that I would love and build with this person for life, I took that vow seriously.  To see it unravel, then fall past a point where it will not come back is one of the most painful feelings your heart can feel, it's the death of love and the birth of hate that makes every cell in your body want to scream "I HATE YOU" to the person who's hand you held, eyes you've locked on, the person you'd considered your other half and in front of God's servant who spoke God's words from the bible, waiting with a fast beating heart in your chest to speak those two words that were meant to be a lifetime seal on a new life where two became one......."I Do".

This pain now must be put aside for the future of my new love, my sanity and the child we plan to bring into this world.  To hate is incredibly easy; it was one of the few things that brought me to my knees, to question life itself, God's love for me and if I had a place on this planet.  The bad things another person can make you feel when you're told your not living to THEIR expectations can be devastating.  It just shows abuse can come in many forms.  But true love has lifted me pass this and all I can do is give my life to this person who loves me more than I love myself (sometimes).

The lessons learned will never be forgotten, the pain has healed and happiness has entered my life; I travel a new road and my focus is not to repeat the past and create something that i will be pleasantly surprised with, I believe it's possible.

For all that I am, I ask you to see me for my positivity and wisdom; forgive any anger and negativity.


BSoM

Fuckin' Future

You know, I tried to measure where I am in life by the company I keep and for fucks sake it doesn't help; what do I do when someone I know is doing what I think is great while they passively flaunt that shit to give themselves shine they want and crave....nothing really, people like that live to have people go "wow, you do that" knowing, in the back of their head, if they had a chance to sit on their ass eating Cheetos the rest of their lives they would; i'm just glad i'm never around those kind of people for long, the welcome wears out pretty quick.

So comes the endless battles for those with no/little direction to keep busy and see what the next day brings; I kinda feel that way, but not too much, it's a shame that some people think just waking up alive is something to be proud of; unless you're dying of something, well then, get up and clap ur hands, stomp your feet when you get outta bed, otherwise you need to evaluate your life and look at making some positive changes.

After my many tumbles and losses I've found some direction and continue to seek a brighter shining light for my other paths.  Yes I have more than one.  The brightest one is the one that my new love gives me.  Yea as corny as the life skeptic i am, love does light the way and she is my sun at high noon.

Where will my life end up in the new year?*  Hopefully with kids, new career path and a love stronger than I've ever known.  The thing is I don't fear it, sure I worry, but who doesn't worry about the future when you have the option to give yourself one.

BSoM

*Written in Dec 2009

Well Now I'm Intrigued

*Sober Note: This was in January and haven't had the chance to post it until now;  kinda wondering if I should type shit when i'm drunk...

Just left my company party; since it's a small firm the party is small and held later past December.  It's weird how my whole body acts when filled with at least 3 very strong drinks, food and god knows what else, I'm bumpin' my music ridin the 5 train and my mind is numb, racing and just.....what I would normally be, but faster, more numb......focused but spread out like if it wasn't me; I would be scatter brained with incoherinent thought.  I must admit typing this on a palm pre is making this hard.  Moving on....the first thing is how alcohol tears down the curtain of reserve you keep for yourself when you are sober, everyone knows this.  Mind you I'm not a sloppy drunk just an honest one.

I'm loving how I'm feeling right now since I don't do this everyday, while late at night traveling the trains telling the teenage kid I don't want chocolates he's selling late at night on the nyc train cuz he's trying to stay out of trouble while I think he should be in bed kissed by his parents, while he wakes in his dream world of how his imagination shoud show him how his future should welcome him with something wonderful rather than awake in a world of pain and disapointment.

The life I feel is limiting me, can be heaven to someone else; how uneven is that shit??

Transferring to the 6 right now @ 125th Street watching the late night workers going home, watching the slags staying warm till the new sun of the new day comes.....seeing the love between two hearts trying to beat to the stress pressure that is this city; love is the rare element that few are enriched with.

Almost home, I'm in my home, the BX on the trusty, rusty 6.  Life is good.

BSoM