Fuckin' Future

You know, I tried to measure where I am in life by the company I keep and for fucks sake it doesn't help; what do I do when someone I know is doing what I think is great while they passively flaunt that shit to give themselves shine they want and crave....nothing really, people like that live to have people go "wow, you do that" knowing, in the back of their head, if they had a chance to sit on their ass eating Cheetos the rest of their lives they would; i'm just glad i'm never around those kind of people for long, the welcome wears out pretty quick.

So comes the endless battles for those with no/little direction to keep busy and see what the next day brings; I kinda feel that way, but not too much, it's a shame that some people think just waking up alive is something to be proud of; unless you're dying of something, well then, get up and clap ur hands, stomp your feet when you get outta bed, otherwise you need to evaluate your life and look at making some positive changes.

After my many tumbles and losses I've found some direction and continue to seek a brighter shining light for my other paths.  Yes I have more than one.  The brightest one is the one that my new love gives me.  Yea as corny as the life skeptic i am, love does light the way and she is my sun at high noon.

Where will my life end up in the new year?*  Hopefully with kids, new career path and a love stronger than I've ever known.  The thing is I don't fear it, sure I worry, but who doesn't worry about the future when you have the option to give yourself one.

BSoM

*Written in Dec 2009

The Family In My Head

The Beast inside is loose and he loves what he sees, no more battles with Sister Love he was created to fight, only self imposed walls of segregation his creator erected to keep Fear satisfied, the beast knows for his life to have any meaning he must destroy theses walls, protect his older siblings and force his creator to enjoy life once more.

Brother Creativity shows him the many ways of turning nothing into something.

Brother Focus keeps him on his path for his new mission.

Sister Love forgives him, comforts him and lets him know his mission is to create something from the anger that created him that will stand the test of time.

Brother Wisdom whispers with power in his ear...break bread and enjoy the company of your brothers and sister for your creator will need each and all strengths ready to take on the trials life puts him through.

Brother Fear watches and wonders what will become of him; the walls will soon come down. Will he be forgotten once victories are won and progress is made and their creator is happy and wants more of life? But no....Fear knows he will always be needed; he is one of the driving forces of change in his creator.  He knows without him the spark of will power will never appear for his all important creator to move to that next step instead of being comfortable in the position he is in and shrink into obscurity.  He knows he cannot break his creator, only strengthen him to face life and all its wonders and tragedies.

Along with the rest of his family the Beast knows his role now and it's time to blaze a path so bright that it will make his creator proud.

BSoM

I Got My Drink And My Two Step

Things are kinda slow for me these past couple of weeks as far as not being stressed by anything, but on the flip side not that much good or anything exciting has been poppin' off. Now when that happens I'm sure you know you get to thinking about your past.

My mind touched on how my friends and I, once we hit that age, started going to strip clubs. We hit various places and the older we got and more money we had the better the place we visit.

We've hit some grimy places. I'm talking bout stretch marks for day, bad attitudes and even a 250 pound (oh, yes!) beast working the tension of her thong to its limits on that stage. Even the stripper poles were bending out of the way of her path so they don't feel the wrath of her mighty mighty meaty power and get damaged in her attempts to be sexy and get them dollar bills.

We were young and stupid. We had plenty of fun; from who got the best lap dance from the thickest female to one friend who always SWORE that the stripper was feeling him, but when he called the number she gave him it was the wrong phone #. Staggering home drunk while the sun peaked out its first light for those sorry bastards eating a shitty meal at a dirty ass diner before we slug on home and wake up that evening and do it again.

It was a fun experience; not saying its good or bad. I know i eased off when i started to look "familiar" to some of the "round the way" spots and instead of talking that good shit while getting a lap dance the girl wants to talk about her kids.......i'm like "WTF"????

On our back and forth journeys we would see the guys that we could have turned into if we weren't careful sitting at the bar, drink after drink, drunk staring at women they wish they could score, yet knowing they can't pursue anything other than good sex and a drained wallet IF they gave these guys the time of day, yet there they were time after time trying to turn a stripper into a housewife or bless them with wifey status. Its hard now a days to do that with a regular women with so much shit someone could carry that doing it with a stripper its even worse.

Its fun to reminisce on the past and from time to time....its normal and puts a smile on my face. I haven't been to a strip club in years. Its an experience a young man shouldn't be without, but it does have its limits. It's fun to visit every now and then, but when you start remembering that it's "Buffet Thursday" and that chick with the fat ass, Lexus, is dancing that day too......then you need to step back and enjoy ur life without the booty shaking you're paying for with a watered drink or 9 dollar beer in your hand.

BSoM

P.S. Wish i could have found a black barbie picture cuz i like mines Round & Brown, lol.

I Got That Fire Finger

A friend of mine asked me recently "What urks you?"

I couldn't answer that question on the spot so we thought it would make a nice post on my blog.

I can say right now that i can basically nit pick a ton of shit off anyone or anything for the simple fact is i have OCD...obsessive compulsive disorder...and hot damn if its not just that A DISORDER.

I can tell you now that is one of the things about me that urks others, but we not here for that ;-)

Anyway for the most part i pay attention to detail on many things in my life so i won't really focus on the small stuff (just some core things) cuz if i do I'll be here ALL. DAY. LONG.

LYING

I'm no saint, but i'm a person that if i meet you or i have some measure of trust in you i will believe what you say; if it's not the truth and you come to me later and you're like "ummm that's not the whole truth" I doubt I'll believe anything you'll say unless you're willing to prove it. I'd rather someone not tell me shit rather than give me a bullshit story. If you're close to someone THEY WILL FIND OUT. Besides not everyone can keep a secret. I've learned so much shit about other people through a third party, cuz they couldn't keep their mouth shut, that i just laugh inside when i see a person and know they are lying.

WALKING

Hey idiots we walk on the right in the country; move the fuck over and walk on the right. I just want to punch an idiot in the liver that wants to walk on the left or zig zags (OMG which gets in the way of EVERYONE) and fucks the walking flow up when they're trying to get to where they're going. With tourists I'll give you a pass cuz yes this city is amazing, but if you look at me like "hey douche bag I'm acting like a turkey in this city by looking up at amazing tall ass buildings while on a busy side walk, what the fuck is your problem" after i say excuse me, oh you will get the football shoulder in the heart when i breeze by.

I live and work in one of the busiest city's in the world so if they pass a law you better believe I'll be the first in line for that Liver Punching Patrol job.

VOMIT ADVICE QUOTES

Sounds nasty right? Well its not. Follow my words and you'll see it isn't. Every now and then people would ask me for advice or just ask my views on certain things. I would be true and honest in what i say because that's what they expect from a person and i make sure the person gets that when I'm speaking with them while exchanging verbal energy; hopefully they'll get something worth while from my insight and perspective.

With vomit quotes, people will just repeat the same shit that's been told over the years and we're numb to it cuz is already background advice noise. For prime example:

"There's more fish in the sea" -duh, who the fuck doesn't know that, but i just lost the one fish off my plate that i loved having, whats ur point fuck nose?

"Tomorrow's another day" -what? unless you end that sentence with "and I'm sending a hot female to make you feel better and she lacks a gag reflex", no? Then you know what.....I'll pass and close my ears to you.

"The grass is greener on the other side of the fence" -well you know what when I'm able to jump that fence to the good side after coppin a mean shit on the bad side then being able to hop over to the good side.....the only place to look at right now is to the greener side of the fence so don't remind me its better than where I'm at now.

"It is what it is" -this is now the hood's most repeated quote by far. Yea i know what it is, and i know what you're not.....original. No one sounds smart saying this fucking line anymore. Ask someone to explain it when they say this quote. All they gonna do is repeat the fucking thing again to you, lol.

INTERRUPTERS

LOL, that's for you RG!! hahahaha! Yea you know if you gonna cut in on me you better be ready for the same :-)

UNWANTED ARROGANCE

Okay we get it, you have a good life. You might be a "baller", hell you might even make it rain. But when you act like "I am the stink floating above all the shit".....that makes me smile knowing god is gonna put a foot to that throat and humble your ass.

TWO FACENESS

These people just kill me, lol. I'm talking about the type of person who jokingly calls you a hoe, but knows in the back of they head they need a new pair of knee pads cuz they been done wore out the old pair cuz of over use and runs the block with the nick name "Vacuum" that the dudes gave her. That's just pure ugly soul right there, lol. Granted that's an extreme example, but hey why half ass it and be nice?

-------------------------------
What I'm trying to convey here is that if someone comes to you to and seek to vent, wanting a bit of enlightenment through the pain and other things that would help ease the stress......Being there for someone in their time of need is a good thing and if you can help then even better, but cookie cutter advice just doesn't cut it anymore, life is not a sitcom; there are no commercial breaks and the tears are real.

That's all i have right now. What shit you dont like that you wanna give the fire finger to?

BSoM

Alcohol!

Christ on a crutch, this quote is soooooo true, lol.

Are people extra interested in you when they are drunk, knowing you're not that interesting?

Well now, you have some life evaluations you need to preform don't you.

BSoM

Please...

Right now my head is buzzing to the point where i can't think straight.

You ever had just random thoughts just in and out of your head like people cramming through a revolving door after someone yelled FIRE?!! Well that's me right now.

To off set things I've given myself topics and answered them. It help ease the mental. For the most part I'm not going to focus on curtain events in my life, just my general feelings on these topics.

LOVE

How do i love......sometimes with blind devotion to the point where if i can pull the heart out of my chest, thread a chain through it, glue some rhine stones on it then put it around my loved ones neck. Sounds weird and sweet all wrapped up in one, right? I've told myself plenty of times before "i'mma sucka for love"; but if that vibe goes sour, ur just a sucka. Who da fuck knows? Among politics and religion, love is one of those topics i hate to debate with people. With so many views, not many can get it right. If you cant get it right all you have is that last sentence ringing between your ears when you're sent back to the dating line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". Please insert a foot into the ass of the idiot who came up with that line. Thanks.

DEATH

OOOOOOOOO, this is a touchy subject, but fuck what you think; I'm talking about myself and splashing my thoughts up in this blog. I think about death a lot....A LOT, if you follow my blog you'll know why. Doesn't help i got a call from my dad telling me one of my cousins is dying of lung cancer. Its a weird feeling to let those thoughts consume you and scare the shit out of you. I've had feelings of utter crippling anxiety to calming thought of whatever waits for us after our bodies pass will be something wondrous. But like the rest of the world, who the fuck knows what happens and I'm just glad these are just passing feelings and i can get over it. How can a person live when all they worry about is death? Easy, you can't. Once I'm past those thoughts I'm back to my normal self. I just hope what i bring from those feelings are new perspectives on life with what i need to do next in my life before god reaches for my switch and flicks it to the OFF position.

LIFE

Just live it. If you're old enough to know the kind of person you are and you're already bored with it, do something different. You're and introvert...so do something you normally wouldn't (safely please!). If you always worried about what people think of you and what you do.....go up to a person who is always critical about you and scream "FUCK WHAT YOU THINK" to their face. A lot of people put up their own little white picket fence around their mind and trick themselves into thinking "this is it" and I'm so fucking amazed at that. Mind you as for me i have my "think shit through" moments when making an important decision, but come on, you want to do that when picking out a pair of slacks or shoes? All I'm saying is whatever you think life is.....its much more than what you think it is.

FRIENDS

From the people you love to the people you love to hate. I've had my share of needy assholes sucking on my emotional teet for comfort it made us both look like idiots from afar. I've also had amazing friends where we did nothing but bring laughter and fun to each others life. What happens with most of my friends? Its what always happens with any kind of relationship good or bad.....people tend to drift apart and some do so permanently. Doesn't matter how they go its just that they do. If it happened to you just take what you learned and use it to grow in such a way that you're a better person as the time passes.

LUST

I've been here before so many times, but which person hasn't? From lusting for the people you know to the people you don't. This is what drives a lot of people crazy; i know I've sucked from the crazy sippy straw of the cup of lust more than once in my early years. How did I deal with it? In the past I've literally cut people out of my life because i knew what i was lusting for wasn't gonna turn into reality, its that young shit....how the fuck am i suppose to know how to deal with that shit? I've never had a mentor to guide me or dealt with anyone with the views and advice on life that would help me process the fire that burned in my youth. So when i was young it was either ALL OR NOTHING, I'm not gonna lie I've lost some good people, but fuck it.....its life right? Live it or get out of the way. If i feel that now, i just laugh because at least i know how to handle it and if its a nice risk, i might take it, but I'm getting to old for superficial risks.

PASSION

Very important part of life. To have a passion to do something is a great thing. It shows that life isn't a complete wash and the door to new experiences is still open. I'm still seeking out new passions in my life and i have a few on the hook, just seeing which one is worth pulling in. Can't blame a person for being picky. With the passion for something new weather they be hobbies, people or professions it's best not to spread yourself thin and give it proper focus.

CHEATING

Ugh! Shitting feeling it is. If you're one, god help you. Make sure your nasty ass OR the one that's fucking your nasty ass wears a condom. You're a piece of shit if you're doing this or have done this; i just hope you're comfortable with yourself if you are, because it will happen to you shitbag. That's all i got to say about that shit.

LYING/TRUTH

Everyone does it; if you haven't......well you're either a better person than i am or one of the biggest fucking liars to walk the earth. Should we lie to spare someones feeling? Sure, if they're a child. Otherwise let the truth rip baby! Weather you want to surprise smack someone on the side of the head with it or be nice about it and let them brace themselves for whats being said to them. If its the kinda thing where it will bubble up, why risk the stress of a fight if its an old lie? One of the best lines that has stuck with me "The people who tell the truth have less to remember"; i figga it this way; you'd have a better path to where your life is headed if its guided by truth.

FAMILY

These are the people you have to love, but not like. I have a few family members that i don't talk to for various reasons, none you should concern yourself with, yes i do understand blood is thicker than water......but are they not human like me? Plenty of people i do and don't get along with that aren't family, but someone who is an asshole isn't born unto himself, they are blood with someone and I'm sure they don't like them either. With me blood or relation doesn't give you a pass. Act out of turn, you can get it like everyone else.

WORK

Whats to say; we all need to do it....well for those that are able....usually its a love/hate relationship. Do what you want and love what you want to do. No matter how much money it puts in your pocket.

BSoM

The Ever Changing BSoM

I asked myself something this morning that's been brewing in me for months that I couldn't answer; I didn't want to face what that answer might be.

Can a person change? Can I change?

My answer......fundamentally, no. But not a solid answer if think about it.

I believe we have a base design to our persona, this foundation.......our soul if you like to think that way. I think that can't be changed..... it can be made stronger, but to the core it's who we are.

Once our awareness of self kicks in we hit the ground learning. Further shaping this design by what we absorb through our day to day experiences. These experiences do help shape the temple we build above this foundation. For better or worse.

In turn we shield our true self in certain habits we developed over time that would make anyone think "this is who this ma'fucka really is?", which makes you ask yourself in the mirror every morning "why can't people see me?". How many masks do you wear? How deep did you bury that part of you that you know is the person who you are truly happy with?

And through extreme circumstances and proper guidance that is the part of us that can be changed. Most of us come to a point in time where we shed that skin or multiple skins. We take this changed life with a new outlook, a new sense of "This Is Who I Am" which is more for yourself than those around you. If those around you fail to understand, fail to see; it's alright......i learned to be true to yourself, love yourself, strengthen your foundation and above all love who you are. Then those who do see will flock to your temple in droves........Not to worship, but to share in the light it reflects and with luck it helps them change.

Change is possible.

Can you change?

BSoM

When A Black Man Enters an Elevator

This video is hilarious.

Colonoscopy........How Do I Hate Thee

Yes that was last Friday; me, Mr. Huggy Bear getting violated all for the sake of my health.

More on that in a minute......

One thing I want to share with you the reader who may relate to this either by your own experience or someone you share your life with is that having a G.I. (gastrointestinal) disorder is no fun. It can range from discomfort to extreme and life threatening. For some reason i jump from discomfort to life threatening as if it were a light switch.

Since my late teens I've been dealing with Crohns Disease (see link below for more info). It came at me with full force. I went from a kid who could tackle anything on his plate to always wondering "if i eat this will it hurt me". It did not help that i was extremely over weight as a teen and young adult with no eating discipline. Killing a plate of some mean Spanish food or fast food meant discomfort, cramps and pain that would leave me balled up in bed thinking i had one of those aliens ready to burst out of me and Ripley was in the next room with a flame thrower (If you don't follow Aliens then you are sooooo lame! lol).

Not to mention mental stress can trigger bad discomfort also. Mind and body are truly linked, take care of one to help the other and you will be in a positive balance.

Needless to say having a colonoscopy becomes routine rather than that special doctors visit once in one or two years after a certain age that you hate to schedule, but need to do. When i talk to older folks they shift their eyebrows and tell me "you're too young to be doing that now"; then i tell them about the Crohns.

When i arrived in my early adulthood I was faced with another ailment triggered by Crohns......abscesses. Not a very fun thing to have and I've been through three already. I am happy to say i haven't had one in years and pray i never get one again. For all you mean/evil thinking people, yes this is something you would wish on an enemy.

Another is sudden and severe bowel bleeds; this is scary. If for any reason you have blood in your stool or excessive blood loss out your backside, GET CHECKED OUT. It can be a sign of something serious. The first time it happened to me i passed out and had to be admitted to the hospital for a few days. The crazy thing about it is after i followed up with my doctor they couldn't find the cause. I got a colonoscopy; test were done to examine my small intestines; i even had an endoscopy done to see if i have a bleeding ulcer in my stomach. All negative from the hospital tests and my own doctor.

One thing i wanted to do that night of my first bleed was rip the balls off of one of the EMS workers; this bastard was doing the write up of my 911 call in the EMS truck and when i mentioned i had Crohns this idiot says "Yea, i had a friend who had that....he died at 36", I was what 26 (I think) at the time. You really think telling someone that shit is going to ease their mind?? I was lucky my wife was riding with me for support and i never forget to remind her and thank her for that. Another thing this idiot did was when they were waiting to admit me to triage i felt light headed again and asked for oxygen; he didn't want to get up to the truck to get it and i passed out again; i woke up with 4 guys picking me up to put me on a bed from the wheelchair. Some people should really examine their career choices because his personality for that job was ill suited. You're helping people survive something, don't be cold, uncaring or mentally irresponsible.

What Lead To Fridays Exam:
On a Thursday (about 2/3 weeks ago) when i got home i experienced another bleed and since the blood has to come from somewhere i started feeling dizzy and light headed; I called my wife and she planned to meet me at the emergency room. I hopped in a cab and kept telling the driver to hurry. I was so afraid i was going to pass out in his cab and he would have to take me to one of those horrible hood hospitals i hate going to or god forbid dump me out of his cab in the street passed out to a horrible fate. But i stayed positive and strong; he was cool and did his best. I held on and made it. Needless to say after hours of observation, being given tons of fluids along with quick tests and waiting for results from blood taken they choose not to admit me since i was also feeling much better. I was able to go home while being advised to follow up with my primary doctor. The blood in my digestive system took about 2 days to clear my system and whatever was bleeding sealed itself up.

On a positive note after the review of my procedure my primary doctor surprised me with some good news. Comparing the results from the current tests to the tests done in the past and the health of my gastrointestinal track is better. Although there was an area of concern so he took a biopsy for further tests. He asked what i was doing and i told him i really eased up on the foods i ate (waaaaay better food discipline), vitamin supplements, cutting down my carbonated drinks consumption (sodas); anything that would cause me distress physically and took advantage of my gym membership to strength my body along with seeing a therapist for my mental health.

The bad news is YET AGAIN i'm back to square one and still left to wonder what the fuck is bleeding me out so bad inside every few years?

Considering the life span living in the hood it kinda does feel like turning 30 years old is giving me a mid life crisis and on top of what my body goes through it puts things into perspective about things in your past, how your present is holding up and your outlook/hopes for the future. I just pray Crohns isn't genetic because i do not want to pass this on to my children.

DO NOT IGNORE THE SIGNS YOUR BODY GIVES YOU!!

I want to leave on a positive note and say please don't worry; right now I'm fine and taking care of myself. My support structure may be small, but i manage and i will prevail no matter where my future takes me. My life and emotions are in a valley and i will face my challengers head on, but i will reach another peak and enjoy my life with whatever happiness is given to me by god.

To learn lifes lessons is to put yourself on a path of true mental clarity.

BSoM

Website:
http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/crohns/

My 9/11 Experience

I was on my way to work and no one on the train had any idea what was going on. It was still early and no announcements were made or the panic hasn't set in which kicks in the security measures to protect the people of this city by law enforcement. By the time i reached 42nd Street Grand Central on the express train both tower were already hit and burning.

Before the law firm i work for split into two and the group i was with moved down to Wall Street we were on Lexington and 41st. The great thing about that building and the floor we were on is that it had a nice balcony that ran the length of the building with a north to south view running along Lexington. On a good day (which 9/11 was) you could see the Twin Towers and the Empire State building on the south side and just one block north you can see the Chrysler building with a long view of Lexington Avenue running north.

When i stepped into the office it seemed like people where there and now gone, but they were all on the balcony watching the towers burn. It was a horrific sight and something i will never forget. It just didn't seem real and you can only think of what the area down there must be like and all of the people that flooded into those two building in the morning to go to work.

After speaking to family and my girlfriend at the time who was out of state and worried about me, we switch from phones to two way pagers (we both had Motorola T900, remember those!!!) the cell and land line systems were being over loaded, but out text's were getting through.

I went downstairs to a Duane Reade across the street to get a disposable camera and by the time i got back the first tower already fell; it was heart wrenching. To take a break from work and always look down the Manhattan skyline of building and see both WTC building was a good feeling. Now only one was standing while the remaining building still burned........it would make anyone freak out a little bit inside.

After the first one fell we all knew the day was not going to be a regular work day so everyone was talking about what we should do next and plan our way home before they lock down the city. Most of the people lived in Westchester (past the Bronx by way of the Metro North Railroad) or Long Island and some lived in the city. The receptionist and I were the only ones that lived in the Bronx. I told her i was heading for Madison Avenue where there are express buses that head into the Bronx to the Parkchester section and if she wanted to join me she should get her shit and lets boogie.

By the time we left our job on Lexington Ave and passing Grand Central on Park Avenue (where they have the bridge with the road that wraps around Grand Central Station) they were kicking people out of the subways cuz they were shutting down the WHOLE SUBWAY SYSTEM AND METRO NORTH (Metro North begins at Grand Central so a lot of people were assed out if they didn't leave on the last trains heading out).

We weaved through the sea of people with faces that didn't know what to do or where to go cuz their day was thrown into chaos. We made it to the line where the stop was for the express buses. We didn't care which one we got on just as long as it headed into the Bronx. I was just going to take a cab home from where ever they dropped us off. It was standing room only and we were packed in tight. The driver couldn't stop if he wanted to because we were already packed and couldn't take on any more passengers. With each stop we passed you can see the lines growing and growing and the people screaming at the buses to stop. The mass exodus of people who only worked and not lived in one of the biggest cities in the world was happening for real. What made it all that real is someone had a radio and was playing 1010 WINS and they just announced the second town had fell. People were crying, cursing and praying.

By the time we reached north of the city to the bridges that lead out of NYC and into the Bronx we were diverted because they started closing down some of the bridges to control the flow of cars and people exiting the city to the outer boroughs. We made it out and the driver let us out on Parkchester in the Bronx and people from there went their own ways. The receptionist lived close by; we wish each other well and safe travel and i was able to get a cab, head home to my place in the South Bronx. I was home by 11am, but some of my friends weren't so lucky because they had to walk all the way home if they couldn't catch a ride.

My day wasn't as bad as some, but that is the day i was given and all i could do was live it and tell it to all of those that want to read it.

Thank you for giving me your time and taking the time out of your day to read my words.

BSoM

Breathe

Focus your mind,
Breath in the future,
Exhale the stress,
Find your balance.
-BronxStateOfMind

For All You Mouth Breathers

I was on the train today and i noticed a few people breathing through their mouth. Its not like i'm against it....if you have to do it for some reason then by all means.

Thing is when you really think at how your body work you really should breath through your nose. Your nose is the bodies natural air filter. How you ask?

Hair and mucus.

Both trap a lot of particles in the air we breath while nasal cavity helps constantly push out the mucus out of your nose where the particle land and get stuck. Then once and a while you have to pick/blow it out of your nose.

If you've ever been in a brightly lit area and you see little things floating in the air imagine what you dont see and understand you are breathing that into your body.

No you don't have to be scared if you're a hypochondriac, but pay mind to and understands what goes into your body and what comes out. It can save you a lot of downtime from being sick or run down in general; sometimes feeling shitty isn't a mind state it can be a physical cause.

Peace

From My Heart Thank You...

Shout out to you Nicky for your kind words and advice. You've been a huge supporter and I thank you for your tremendous insight into a lot of things. You're right i'm not handling things right locked away from life and other people, it ain't the way to live and i'm doing what i'm doing when i'm doing it, lol.

If my one love does not come back to me i may have to accept it deep down, but i know that love might come back to me with a different person, but its still love and i have to see it for what it is.

Moving on might be hard if it happens, but hey my heart is out and all i speak is truth so nothing else is left but to live my life and make myself happy even if my heart will be alone for a while.

I know i can make my own self stronger and can't let anyone stand in my way that doesn't understand what i'm trying to do to better myself and those in my life.

The best men/women have the biggest faults and it takes a genuine person to see that and help them through it no matter how much pain they are in. That is one definition of love and strength in a person. I hope i find that again. THE STRONGEST HEART HURTS THE MOST.

My brand new day is coming soon and i hope it is as i expect it to be. I'm waiting to see what the future holds for me and if my brand new day is with my wife, even better yet i can't get my hopes up.

But for now its back to the gym for me; no one is focusing on me but me and ur right i should like the smiles i'm getting :)


P.S. Did you send in that complaint to pizza hut corporate already??
ru ru ruoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, LMAO

I Recommend...

Working out.......

I'm just sorry I didn't develop this drive early in life and i just hope i can reach my goals at my age (30) as if i was in my early twenties. At my worst I've been floating between 250 to 300 lbs and i'm only 5'10/11. So yea i looked like a butterball. Through the years I've slowly been gaining ground on having a body that i want and need..........not to mention the current stresses I have now.............I dipped down to (as of this morning) 214 lbs with my body tone coming in nicely cuz of the cardio/weight training and weight loss.

When my stimulus check came in from the government and i was taking a walk to clear my head i saw a sale banner from this dinky hood gym and took advantage of the deal hoping it wouldn't turn out like my last membership to the fancy N.Y.S.C. in Manhattan and going once a month for a few months then canceling the membership. It was the best investment i've put towards myself. It gets me out of the house so i don't have to choose between working out and sitting on the couch on the computer and watching TV, cuz no matter what shit you say the TV will always win out while you generate excuse after excuse to tell yourself you will work out tomorrow.

I'm amazed at how my body has responded quickly to the workout regimen I've made for myself and its helping me clear my head and make some positive mental space.

If you're going through some tough times, don't lash out at other, yourself or do something that is not in your character and will regret later.

Find your space and plan something out and work yourself out. I read a few things where working out helps with the body chemistry and you feel less stressed. What can be negative about helping your body get stronger and mind relaxed? You will be too tired to deal with the bullshit going on and know that its not worth letting the stress destroy your body.

This is by no means is a bible to a good workout; it is only a template that i hope you can use and switch up to your preferences with what is available in your area. You can even plan a good workout without having a memebership to a gym and use the world as your gym.

Since i have a mix of moderate body fat, but still have a decent muscle structure I am able to start my work out like this:

Please have the proper clothes and workout sneakers; like i said i joined a hood gym and people are working out correctly, but you do have the people who work out with jewlery, shit i've seen dude work out with jeans!! So do yourself a favor and get proper gear before you work out. Focus especially on sneakers cuz you can really hurt your feet if you dont have proper footwear.

Start
1. Stretch - Most important, never start a workout without this.

2. 5 to 15 minutes cardio (or more*) - I prefer the stair master, but find your zone with whatever equipment.

3. Stretch again - always helpful if muscles tightened up slightly.

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*Stop here if you are really over weight you should really focus on a ton of cardio mixed with different cardio machines and your diet before you add weight training to your regimen.
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Work with a trainer or do your research on how to approach weight training and tone/ strengthening your muscle structure. Develop a nice set/rep (i do 3 sets of 10 repetitions) situation for the weights and equipment you use. You want to gradually grow your body to something wonderful, it will not happen quickly.
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4. I split my visits with upper and lower body workouts. Alternating working your structure from waist down and waist up helps so that if one part of you is sore from yesterdays workout you can work the other half instead of insanely working out your whole body and having to take a long rest away from the gym because your whole body is too sore or wrecked to visit.

5. Stretch again and take a 5 minute breather and always have plenty of water with you. Take a quick walk to keep your body warmed up if they have an big enough area that is not in use.

6. 3 to 5 minutes cardio.

7. Cool down & stretch again.

Break that laziness barrier and do something positive for yourself and you will see that it will be positive for the people around you and affect them as well. Lead by example.

Wisdom & Compassion

"Some religions believe compassion is the most important spiritual quality, but they fail to give any attnetion to wisdom. The result is that you can end up being a good-hearted fool."

From Good Question, Good Answer by S. Dhammika

http://www.buddhanet.net/qanda.htm

This is a great read for the open minded.

I Wrote This For My Love

I liked it and wanted to put it out there, let me know what you think of it.

An Honest Heart

A heart cant speak, yet we can speak our heart

A heart cant see, yet it can show us a love like no other

A heart cant hold you, yet a warm lovers embrace can get you lost within their love

A heart cant walk, but makes the world run everyday

By BronxStateOfMind