Fuckin' Future

You know, I tried to measure where I am in life by the company I keep and for fucks sake it doesn't help; what do I do when someone I know is doing what I think is great while they passively flaunt that shit to give themselves shine they want and crave....nothing really, people like that live to have people go "wow, you do that" knowing, in the back of their head, if they had a chance to sit on their ass eating Cheetos the rest of their lives they would; i'm just glad i'm never around those kind of people for long, the welcome wears out pretty quick.

So comes the endless battles for those with no/little direction to keep busy and see what the next day brings; I kinda feel that way, but not too much, it's a shame that some people think just waking up alive is something to be proud of; unless you're dying of something, well then, get up and clap ur hands, stomp your feet when you get outta bed, otherwise you need to evaluate your life and look at making some positive changes.

After my many tumbles and losses I've found some direction and continue to seek a brighter shining light for my other paths.  Yes I have more than one.  The brightest one is the one that my new love gives me.  Yea as corny as the life skeptic i am, love does light the way and she is my sun at high noon.

Where will my life end up in the new year?*  Hopefully with kids, new career path and a love stronger than I've ever known.  The thing is I don't fear it, sure I worry, but who doesn't worry about the future when you have the option to give yourself one.

BSoM

*Written in Dec 2009

The Family In My Head

The Beast inside is loose and he loves what he sees, no more battles with Sister Love he was created to fight, only self imposed walls of segregation his creator erected to keep Fear satisfied, the beast knows for his life to have any meaning he must destroy theses walls, protect his older siblings and force his creator to enjoy life once more.

Brother Creativity shows him the many ways of turning nothing into something.

Brother Focus keeps him on his path for his new mission.

Sister Love forgives him, comforts him and lets him know his mission is to create something from the anger that created him that will stand the test of time.

Brother Wisdom whispers with power in his ear...break bread and enjoy the company of your brothers and sister for your creator will need each and all strengths ready to take on the trials life puts him through.

Brother Fear watches and wonders what will become of him; the walls will soon come down. Will he be forgotten once victories are won and progress is made and their creator is happy and wants more of life? But no....Fear knows he will always be needed; he is one of the driving forces of change in his creator.  He knows without him the spark of will power will never appear for his all important creator to move to that next step instead of being comfortable in the position he is in and shrink into obscurity.  He knows he cannot break his creator, only strengthen him to face life and all its wonders and tragedies.

Along with the rest of his family the Beast knows his role now and it's time to blaze a path so bright that it will make his creator proud.

BSoM

Play With My Emotions, Not My Money...

I work around Wall Street and lets just say I'm glad these fat useless business men didn't start jumping out their windows cuz of this ruined economy. We're a long way from the 1930's, but back then they took shit more seriously that they would actually end their life when stressed enough or faced with a 180 degree about face with their finances.

We can't forget to thank former President George W. Bush and his buddies for setting the stage for this mess and handing President-elect Barack Obama with a nice pile of economic bullshit wrapped in a cute little bow.

As with anything that happens in the world; things will come out of this blunder that will of course strengthen the economy for years to come.

I guess sometimes you do need greedy selfish idiots in charge to really effect positive change for the rest of us. Times are changing and I hope this habit the U.S. has changes with it.

BSoM

TV, I Miss U........Not Really

Around mid November due to some money issues I had my Cable service cut for about a month. Now I'm not that hooked to TV that I freaked out about it; as you know I download a lot of the shows I love so that helped.

I really didn't miss anything other than NY1 for my morning viewing while I'm getting dressed and my general CNN/DISC/FOOD and other channels for general and knowledge viewing.

It also gave me time to think how bad I was hooked on TV. I would watch shows over and over again that I've seen years ago (or semi-recently) and it amazed me that this is what would consume (maybe) 4 or more hours of my evening after I got home from work.

TV really puts you in a headlock and doesn't let you go. This made me put the mirror in front of myself for some self-refection...........I don't give myself much to do at home. Sure I clean my apartment, play with my dog, work on my computer........but those I do by default day in/out.

I'm in the mists of giving myself some project and keeping myself from constantly watching TV just to watch it. It slows me down, get me mentally and physically exhausted, but what's worse is I do like many people and have bullshit playing on the TV just to have it as background noise and I'm not even focused on what's being shown while I do my day to day work around the house. I see this as a very bad sign. This is why now I'm putting my massive music collection to work, but I need a better sound system (which I'm working on).

I know people do need distractions cuz their mad stressed. You do not want to stop and think cuz of your problems and issues start to creep in; people need to just think, imagine and stretch the boundaries of your thinking without something (like TV) nipping at the edge of your ear taking your full attention from yourself, your mental energy or ability to think beyond what's fed to you by outside sources which aren't 100% reliable. Once you notice this you'll see that most of the things you think of and come up with are just things you heard from TV.

Granted I was forced to do this, but give yourself a break from TV every now and then; you gotta exercise your mind and see what kinda thinker you are. It takes practice and focus, but you'll be proud you did it.

BSoM

To All The Faceless, These Are My Mantra's

I have a lot of things i tell myself to get myself through difficult situations or just through the day. Below are some of the things i keep close to me to help myself deal with the world as i see it.

Who are The Faceless.....most of you are. I enjoy my visitors weather you leave a comment or not, but most of you i do not know, you are my faceless friends/fans/critics/supporters and i hope my words bring you a different kinda insight from those who choose to not peek from above the box that is their life that crosses paths with yours.

What are your Mantra's? Below are mine.

TO EACH THEIR OWN

Think of everyone as having their own Vibe Line; you know like the strings on a musical instrument; we all create our own sounds/vibe along side one another. This is what helps me prepare myself to deal with someone I've never dealt with. I never have any curtain expectation when dealing with a person because once you interact with them and you have your mind open you can feel their vibe and hopefully it will be a positive exchange; if it is...wonderful...continue that growth and learn as much as you can from one another. If not, take what you learned and grow within while you move on with your life.

A PLACE FOR EVERYTHING AND EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE

This is just the OCD organizer in me. I admire those that can keep a controlled mess around them, but something about me and the way I'm wired likes to have everything in line, shaped up straight and put in its proper place. It's a weird zone i put myself in and i do get in over my head because organization does get tricky when you're dealing with too much detail.

UNDERSTANDING IS KEY

I've gone through tons of things in my life, but these are my experiences, my bags i must carry until i set them down when the time calls for it. To understand someones situations and thought processes as to why they are going through what they are going through is key to helping them maneuver through the stress and reach resolution. Besides it also grows your understanding of a
person and things around you. The best Chinese proverb I've ever heard was "To learn from your mistakes is smart, to learn from other peoples mistakes is wise". Some of you may not want to open your eyes and ears to others when they need someone, but think about what you might learn for your own good.

NEVER KISS ANYONE'S ASS

This is one of the few things I've learned from my father. No one respects an ass kisser and those that do only get used. Stand strong, but not over bearing and always know that respect is not achieved by brown nosing.

YOU WILL NEVER KNOW UNLESS YOU TRY/ASK

You wanna try something? You wanna know something? What the fuck are you standing around waiting for......try it, ask for it. Never sit around wondering if you should; hoping it will come to you instead of you going to it. Do what you need to do to bolster yourself up, but don't take too long, then go get yours. Don't let those situations pile up from when you wish you would have asked or tried something when the opportunity presented itself. Regret is like a cold finger down the crack of your ass....a funny and unpleasant feeling.

SOMEONE OUT THERE HAS IT WORSE

Its kinda hard to think about it because you have to touch on someone else's misery to know that whatever you're going through.....you really haven't hit the bottom of the barrel. Know that life throws people many challenges and you may not wish to think of it, someone out there is getting it worse than you'll ever imagine. Keeps things in perspective when you bitch about something someone wish they could bitch about, but can't.

DO MORE NOW TO DO LESS LATER

Kinda self explanatory. Don't be lazy, lol.

WHEN THE TIME CALLS FOR IT WORK ON YOURSELF, BE A LITTLE SELFISH

Do people gravitate towards you? Do they feel you are their dock to their wandering ship? How battered and drained do you feel after being someones "go to guy"? Take that time out for yourself, be selfish enjoy your life and please yourself, hell have others please you for a change. Its best to recharge yourself from time to time so those that seek your light through their storm know that you will always be there. But be nice and give fair warning to those you will ignore so in a way you'll still be there for them, but you're gently nudging them on a path to help themselves when you're not around cuz you're on your "me time" grind.

BSoM

Please...

Right now my head is buzzing to the point where i can't think straight.

You ever had just random thoughts just in and out of your head like people cramming through a revolving door after someone yelled FIRE?!! Well that's me right now.

To off set things I've given myself topics and answered them. It help ease the mental. For the most part I'm not going to focus on curtain events in my life, just my general feelings on these topics.

LOVE

How do i love......sometimes with blind devotion to the point where if i can pull the heart out of my chest, thread a chain through it, glue some rhine stones on it then put it around my loved ones neck. Sounds weird and sweet all wrapped up in one, right? I've told myself plenty of times before "i'mma sucka for love"; but if that vibe goes sour, ur just a sucka. Who da fuck knows? Among politics and religion, love is one of those topics i hate to debate with people. With so many views, not many can get it right. If you cant get it right all you have is that last sentence ringing between your ears when you're sent back to the dating line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". Please insert a foot into the ass of the idiot who came up with that line. Thanks.

DEATH

OOOOOOOOO, this is a touchy subject, but fuck what you think; I'm talking about myself and splashing my thoughts up in this blog. I think about death a lot....A LOT, if you follow my blog you'll know why. Doesn't help i got a call from my dad telling me one of my cousins is dying of lung cancer. Its a weird feeling to let those thoughts consume you and scare the shit out of you. I've had feelings of utter crippling anxiety to calming thought of whatever waits for us after our bodies pass will be something wondrous. But like the rest of the world, who the fuck knows what happens and I'm just glad these are just passing feelings and i can get over it. How can a person live when all they worry about is death? Easy, you can't. Once I'm past those thoughts I'm back to my normal self. I just hope what i bring from those feelings are new perspectives on life with what i need to do next in my life before god reaches for my switch and flicks it to the OFF position.

LIFE

Just live it. If you're old enough to know the kind of person you are and you're already bored with it, do something different. You're and introvert...so do something you normally wouldn't (safely please!). If you always worried about what people think of you and what you do.....go up to a person who is always critical about you and scream "FUCK WHAT YOU THINK" to their face. A lot of people put up their own little white picket fence around their mind and trick themselves into thinking "this is it" and I'm so fucking amazed at that. Mind you as for me i have my "think shit through" moments when making an important decision, but come on, you want to do that when picking out a pair of slacks or shoes? All I'm saying is whatever you think life is.....its much more than what you think it is.

FRIENDS

From the people you love to the people you love to hate. I've had my share of needy assholes sucking on my emotional teet for comfort it made us both look like idiots from afar. I've also had amazing friends where we did nothing but bring laughter and fun to each others life. What happens with most of my friends? Its what always happens with any kind of relationship good or bad.....people tend to drift apart and some do so permanently. Doesn't matter how they go its just that they do. If it happened to you just take what you learned and use it to grow in such a way that you're a better person as the time passes.

LUST

I've been here before so many times, but which person hasn't? From lusting for the people you know to the people you don't. This is what drives a lot of people crazy; i know I've sucked from the crazy sippy straw of the cup of lust more than once in my early years. How did I deal with it? In the past I've literally cut people out of my life because i knew what i was lusting for wasn't gonna turn into reality, its that young shit....how the fuck am i suppose to know how to deal with that shit? I've never had a mentor to guide me or dealt with anyone with the views and advice on life that would help me process the fire that burned in my youth. So when i was young it was either ALL OR NOTHING, I'm not gonna lie I've lost some good people, but fuck it.....its life right? Live it or get out of the way. If i feel that now, i just laugh because at least i know how to handle it and if its a nice risk, i might take it, but I'm getting to old for superficial risks.

PASSION

Very important part of life. To have a passion to do something is a great thing. It shows that life isn't a complete wash and the door to new experiences is still open. I'm still seeking out new passions in my life and i have a few on the hook, just seeing which one is worth pulling in. Can't blame a person for being picky. With the passion for something new weather they be hobbies, people or professions it's best not to spread yourself thin and give it proper focus.

CHEATING

Ugh! Shitting feeling it is. If you're one, god help you. Make sure your nasty ass OR the one that's fucking your nasty ass wears a condom. You're a piece of shit if you're doing this or have done this; i just hope you're comfortable with yourself if you are, because it will happen to you shitbag. That's all i got to say about that shit.

LYING/TRUTH

Everyone does it; if you haven't......well you're either a better person than i am or one of the biggest fucking liars to walk the earth. Should we lie to spare someones feeling? Sure, if they're a child. Otherwise let the truth rip baby! Weather you want to surprise smack someone on the side of the head with it or be nice about it and let them brace themselves for whats being said to them. If its the kinda thing where it will bubble up, why risk the stress of a fight if its an old lie? One of the best lines that has stuck with me "The people who tell the truth have less to remember"; i figga it this way; you'd have a better path to where your life is headed if its guided by truth.

FAMILY

These are the people you have to love, but not like. I have a few family members that i don't talk to for various reasons, none you should concern yourself with, yes i do understand blood is thicker than water......but are they not human like me? Plenty of people i do and don't get along with that aren't family, but someone who is an asshole isn't born unto himself, they are blood with someone and I'm sure they don't like them either. With me blood or relation doesn't give you a pass. Act out of turn, you can get it like everyone else.

WORK

Whats to say; we all need to do it....well for those that are able....usually its a love/hate relationship. Do what you want and love what you want to do. No matter how much money it puts in your pocket.

BSoM

The Ever Changing BSoM

I asked myself something this morning that's been brewing in me for months that I couldn't answer; I didn't want to face what that answer might be.

Can a person change? Can I change?

My answer......fundamentally, no. But not a solid answer if think about it.

I believe we have a base design to our persona, this foundation.......our soul if you like to think that way. I think that can't be changed..... it can be made stronger, but to the core it's who we are.

Once our awareness of self kicks in we hit the ground learning. Further shaping this design by what we absorb through our day to day experiences. These experiences do help shape the temple we build above this foundation. For better or worse.

In turn we shield our true self in certain habits we developed over time that would make anyone think "this is who this ma'fucka really is?", which makes you ask yourself in the mirror every morning "why can't people see me?". How many masks do you wear? How deep did you bury that part of you that you know is the person who you are truly happy with?

And through extreme circumstances and proper guidance that is the part of us that can be changed. Most of us come to a point in time where we shed that skin or multiple skins. We take this changed life with a new outlook, a new sense of "This Is Who I Am" which is more for yourself than those around you. If those around you fail to understand, fail to see; it's alright......i learned to be true to yourself, love yourself, strengthen your foundation and above all love who you are. Then those who do see will flock to your temple in droves........Not to worship, but to share in the light it reflects and with luck it helps them change.

Change is possible.

Can you change?

BSoM

Colonoscopy........How Do I Hate Thee

Yes that was last Friday; me, Mr. Huggy Bear getting violated all for the sake of my health.

More on that in a minute......

One thing I want to share with you the reader who may relate to this either by your own experience or someone you share your life with is that having a G.I. (gastrointestinal) disorder is no fun. It can range from discomfort to extreme and life threatening. For some reason i jump from discomfort to life threatening as if it were a light switch.

Since my late teens I've been dealing with Crohns Disease (see link below for more info). It came at me with full force. I went from a kid who could tackle anything on his plate to always wondering "if i eat this will it hurt me". It did not help that i was extremely over weight as a teen and young adult with no eating discipline. Killing a plate of some mean Spanish food or fast food meant discomfort, cramps and pain that would leave me balled up in bed thinking i had one of those aliens ready to burst out of me and Ripley was in the next room with a flame thrower (If you don't follow Aliens then you are sooooo lame! lol).

Not to mention mental stress can trigger bad discomfort also. Mind and body are truly linked, take care of one to help the other and you will be in a positive balance.

Needless to say having a colonoscopy becomes routine rather than that special doctors visit once in one or two years after a certain age that you hate to schedule, but need to do. When i talk to older folks they shift their eyebrows and tell me "you're too young to be doing that now"; then i tell them about the Crohns.

When i arrived in my early adulthood I was faced with another ailment triggered by Crohns......abscesses. Not a very fun thing to have and I've been through three already. I am happy to say i haven't had one in years and pray i never get one again. For all you mean/evil thinking people, yes this is something you would wish on an enemy.

Another is sudden and severe bowel bleeds; this is scary. If for any reason you have blood in your stool or excessive blood loss out your backside, GET CHECKED OUT. It can be a sign of something serious. The first time it happened to me i passed out and had to be admitted to the hospital for a few days. The crazy thing about it is after i followed up with my doctor they couldn't find the cause. I got a colonoscopy; test were done to examine my small intestines; i even had an endoscopy done to see if i have a bleeding ulcer in my stomach. All negative from the hospital tests and my own doctor.

One thing i wanted to do that night of my first bleed was rip the balls off of one of the EMS workers; this bastard was doing the write up of my 911 call in the EMS truck and when i mentioned i had Crohns this idiot says "Yea, i had a friend who had that....he died at 36", I was what 26 (I think) at the time. You really think telling someone that shit is going to ease their mind?? I was lucky my wife was riding with me for support and i never forget to remind her and thank her for that. Another thing this idiot did was when they were waiting to admit me to triage i felt light headed again and asked for oxygen; he didn't want to get up to the truck to get it and i passed out again; i woke up with 4 guys picking me up to put me on a bed from the wheelchair. Some people should really examine their career choices because his personality for that job was ill suited. You're helping people survive something, don't be cold, uncaring or mentally irresponsible.

What Lead To Fridays Exam:
On a Thursday (about 2/3 weeks ago) when i got home i experienced another bleed and since the blood has to come from somewhere i started feeling dizzy and light headed; I called my wife and she planned to meet me at the emergency room. I hopped in a cab and kept telling the driver to hurry. I was so afraid i was going to pass out in his cab and he would have to take me to one of those horrible hood hospitals i hate going to or god forbid dump me out of his cab in the street passed out to a horrible fate. But i stayed positive and strong; he was cool and did his best. I held on and made it. Needless to say after hours of observation, being given tons of fluids along with quick tests and waiting for results from blood taken they choose not to admit me since i was also feeling much better. I was able to go home while being advised to follow up with my primary doctor. The blood in my digestive system took about 2 days to clear my system and whatever was bleeding sealed itself up.

On a positive note after the review of my procedure my primary doctor surprised me with some good news. Comparing the results from the current tests to the tests done in the past and the health of my gastrointestinal track is better. Although there was an area of concern so he took a biopsy for further tests. He asked what i was doing and i told him i really eased up on the foods i ate (waaaaay better food discipline), vitamin supplements, cutting down my carbonated drinks consumption (sodas); anything that would cause me distress physically and took advantage of my gym membership to strength my body along with seeing a therapist for my mental health.

The bad news is YET AGAIN i'm back to square one and still left to wonder what the fuck is bleeding me out so bad inside every few years?

Considering the life span living in the hood it kinda does feel like turning 30 years old is giving me a mid life crisis and on top of what my body goes through it puts things into perspective about things in your past, how your present is holding up and your outlook/hopes for the future. I just pray Crohns isn't genetic because i do not want to pass this on to my children.

DO NOT IGNORE THE SIGNS YOUR BODY GIVES YOU!!

I want to leave on a positive note and say please don't worry; right now I'm fine and taking care of myself. My support structure may be small, but i manage and i will prevail no matter where my future takes me. My life and emotions are in a valley and i will face my challengers head on, but i will reach another peak and enjoy my life with whatever happiness is given to me by god.

To learn lifes lessons is to put yourself on a path of true mental clarity.

BSoM

Website:
http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/crohns/

My 9/11 Experience

I was on my way to work and no one on the train had any idea what was going on. It was still early and no announcements were made or the panic hasn't set in which kicks in the security measures to protect the people of this city by law enforcement. By the time i reached 42nd Street Grand Central on the express train both tower were already hit and burning.

Before the law firm i work for split into two and the group i was with moved down to Wall Street we were on Lexington and 41st. The great thing about that building and the floor we were on is that it had a nice balcony that ran the length of the building with a north to south view running along Lexington. On a good day (which 9/11 was) you could see the Twin Towers and the Empire State building on the south side and just one block north you can see the Chrysler building with a long view of Lexington Avenue running north.

When i stepped into the office it seemed like people where there and now gone, but they were all on the balcony watching the towers burn. It was a horrific sight and something i will never forget. It just didn't seem real and you can only think of what the area down there must be like and all of the people that flooded into those two building in the morning to go to work.

After speaking to family and my girlfriend at the time who was out of state and worried about me, we switch from phones to two way pagers (we both had Motorola T900, remember those!!!) the cell and land line systems were being over loaded, but out text's were getting through.

I went downstairs to a Duane Reade across the street to get a disposable camera and by the time i got back the first tower already fell; it was heart wrenching. To take a break from work and always look down the Manhattan skyline of building and see both WTC building was a good feeling. Now only one was standing while the remaining building still burned........it would make anyone freak out a little bit inside.

After the first one fell we all knew the day was not going to be a regular work day so everyone was talking about what we should do next and plan our way home before they lock down the city. Most of the people lived in Westchester (past the Bronx by way of the Metro North Railroad) or Long Island and some lived in the city. The receptionist and I were the only ones that lived in the Bronx. I told her i was heading for Madison Avenue where there are express buses that head into the Bronx to the Parkchester section and if she wanted to join me she should get her shit and lets boogie.

By the time we left our job on Lexington Ave and passing Grand Central on Park Avenue (where they have the bridge with the road that wraps around Grand Central Station) they were kicking people out of the subways cuz they were shutting down the WHOLE SUBWAY SYSTEM AND METRO NORTH (Metro North begins at Grand Central so a lot of people were assed out if they didn't leave on the last trains heading out).

We weaved through the sea of people with faces that didn't know what to do or where to go cuz their day was thrown into chaos. We made it to the line where the stop was for the express buses. We didn't care which one we got on just as long as it headed into the Bronx. I was just going to take a cab home from where ever they dropped us off. It was standing room only and we were packed in tight. The driver couldn't stop if he wanted to because we were already packed and couldn't take on any more passengers. With each stop we passed you can see the lines growing and growing and the people screaming at the buses to stop. The mass exodus of people who only worked and not lived in one of the biggest cities in the world was happening for real. What made it all that real is someone had a radio and was playing 1010 WINS and they just announced the second town had fell. People were crying, cursing and praying.

By the time we reached north of the city to the bridges that lead out of NYC and into the Bronx we were diverted because they started closing down some of the bridges to control the flow of cars and people exiting the city to the outer boroughs. We made it out and the driver let us out on Parkchester in the Bronx and people from there went their own ways. The receptionist lived close by; we wish each other well and safe travel and i was able to get a cab, head home to my place in the South Bronx. I was home by 11am, but some of my friends weren't so lucky because they had to walk all the way home if they couldn't catch a ride.

My day wasn't as bad as some, but that is the day i was given and all i could do was live it and tell it to all of those that want to read it.

Thank you for giving me your time and taking the time out of your day to read my words.

BSoM