It Can Help You Or Get The Better Of You

Nowadays by nature people are (or can be) very paranoid. Of course there are varying degrees which can be tolerated if you have someone like this in your life, but at a persons core, everyone is a bit paranoid.

I know I am.

I guess it's that part of my nature that questions everything. Or that little voice in the back of my head that always says "are you sure".

Trust issues can spawn this; believe me I had MAJOR trust issues (keyword HAD); but as always you have to learn from it. Or it will eat you from the ass up.

Trust your instincts and beat the snakes from the grass.

BSoM

Please...

Right now my head is buzzing to the point where i can't think straight.

You ever had just random thoughts just in and out of your head like people cramming through a revolving door after someone yelled FIRE?!! Well that's me right now.

To off set things I've given myself topics and answered them. It help ease the mental. For the most part I'm not going to focus on curtain events in my life, just my general feelings on these topics.

LOVE

How do i love......sometimes with blind devotion to the point where if i can pull the heart out of my chest, thread a chain through it, glue some rhine stones on it then put it around my loved ones neck. Sounds weird and sweet all wrapped up in one, right? I've told myself plenty of times before "i'mma sucka for love"; but if that vibe goes sour, ur just a sucka. Who da fuck knows? Among politics and religion, love is one of those topics i hate to debate with people. With so many views, not many can get it right. If you cant get it right all you have is that last sentence ringing between your ears when you're sent back to the dating line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". Please insert a foot into the ass of the idiot who came up with that line. Thanks.

DEATH

OOOOOOOOO, this is a touchy subject, but fuck what you think; I'm talking about myself and splashing my thoughts up in this blog. I think about death a lot....A LOT, if you follow my blog you'll know why. Doesn't help i got a call from my dad telling me one of my cousins is dying of lung cancer. Its a weird feeling to let those thoughts consume you and scare the shit out of you. I've had feelings of utter crippling anxiety to calming thought of whatever waits for us after our bodies pass will be something wondrous. But like the rest of the world, who the fuck knows what happens and I'm just glad these are just passing feelings and i can get over it. How can a person live when all they worry about is death? Easy, you can't. Once I'm past those thoughts I'm back to my normal self. I just hope what i bring from those feelings are new perspectives on life with what i need to do next in my life before god reaches for my switch and flicks it to the OFF position.

LIFE

Just live it. If you're old enough to know the kind of person you are and you're already bored with it, do something different. You're and introvert...so do something you normally wouldn't (safely please!). If you always worried about what people think of you and what you do.....go up to a person who is always critical about you and scream "FUCK WHAT YOU THINK" to their face. A lot of people put up their own little white picket fence around their mind and trick themselves into thinking "this is it" and I'm so fucking amazed at that. Mind you as for me i have my "think shit through" moments when making an important decision, but come on, you want to do that when picking out a pair of slacks or shoes? All I'm saying is whatever you think life is.....its much more than what you think it is.

FRIENDS

From the people you love to the people you love to hate. I've had my share of needy assholes sucking on my emotional teet for comfort it made us both look like idiots from afar. I've also had amazing friends where we did nothing but bring laughter and fun to each others life. What happens with most of my friends? Its what always happens with any kind of relationship good or bad.....people tend to drift apart and some do so permanently. Doesn't matter how they go its just that they do. If it happened to you just take what you learned and use it to grow in such a way that you're a better person as the time passes.

LUST

I've been here before so many times, but which person hasn't? From lusting for the people you know to the people you don't. This is what drives a lot of people crazy; i know I've sucked from the crazy sippy straw of the cup of lust more than once in my early years. How did I deal with it? In the past I've literally cut people out of my life because i knew what i was lusting for wasn't gonna turn into reality, its that young shit....how the fuck am i suppose to know how to deal with that shit? I've never had a mentor to guide me or dealt with anyone with the views and advice on life that would help me process the fire that burned in my youth. So when i was young it was either ALL OR NOTHING, I'm not gonna lie I've lost some good people, but fuck it.....its life right? Live it or get out of the way. If i feel that now, i just laugh because at least i know how to handle it and if its a nice risk, i might take it, but I'm getting to old for superficial risks.

PASSION

Very important part of life. To have a passion to do something is a great thing. It shows that life isn't a complete wash and the door to new experiences is still open. I'm still seeking out new passions in my life and i have a few on the hook, just seeing which one is worth pulling in. Can't blame a person for being picky. With the passion for something new weather they be hobbies, people or professions it's best not to spread yourself thin and give it proper focus.

CHEATING

Ugh! Shitting feeling it is. If you're one, god help you. Make sure your nasty ass OR the one that's fucking your nasty ass wears a condom. You're a piece of shit if you're doing this or have done this; i just hope you're comfortable with yourself if you are, because it will happen to you shitbag. That's all i got to say about that shit.

LYING/TRUTH

Everyone does it; if you haven't......well you're either a better person than i am or one of the biggest fucking liars to walk the earth. Should we lie to spare someones feeling? Sure, if they're a child. Otherwise let the truth rip baby! Weather you want to surprise smack someone on the side of the head with it or be nice about it and let them brace themselves for whats being said to them. If its the kinda thing where it will bubble up, why risk the stress of a fight if its an old lie? One of the best lines that has stuck with me "The people who tell the truth have less to remember"; i figga it this way; you'd have a better path to where your life is headed if its guided by truth.

FAMILY

These are the people you have to love, but not like. I have a few family members that i don't talk to for various reasons, none you should concern yourself with, yes i do understand blood is thicker than water......but are they not human like me? Plenty of people i do and don't get along with that aren't family, but someone who is an asshole isn't born unto himself, they are blood with someone and I'm sure they don't like them either. With me blood or relation doesn't give you a pass. Act out of turn, you can get it like everyone else.

WORK

Whats to say; we all need to do it....well for those that are able....usually its a love/hate relationship. Do what you want and love what you want to do. No matter how much money it puts in your pocket.

BSoM

With My Luck It Figures

The one day i get off on a Tuesday....of all days of the week....because of the Jewish holiday i freaking get sick. Must have been all the friends joking saying i was so lucky or they hated me (jokingly) for having the day off when some of them had to work.

I stood in bed all day; caught up on my downloaded shows and movies; read a little; chatted with friends.......ugh, i need that vacation quick i was talking about.

I feel like i lost a few things, gained a few things all the while still waiting for that major change i feel is coming in my life.

Surprisingly, I've found inspiration with smart, go getting friends that it's rubbing off on me. I got real comfortable in my space and that's just short changing myself and the person i can further become.........that needs to stop.

Time to kick life in the balls and walk away laughing.......I just gotta get the fuck outta this bed first!

BSoM

Colonoscopy........How Do I Hate Thee

Yes that was last Friday; me, Mr. Huggy Bear getting violated all for the sake of my health.

More on that in a minute......

One thing I want to share with you the reader who may relate to this either by your own experience or someone you share your life with is that having a G.I. (gastrointestinal) disorder is no fun. It can range from discomfort to extreme and life threatening. For some reason i jump from discomfort to life threatening as if it were a light switch.

Since my late teens I've been dealing with Crohns Disease (see link below for more info). It came at me with full force. I went from a kid who could tackle anything on his plate to always wondering "if i eat this will it hurt me". It did not help that i was extremely over weight as a teen and young adult with no eating discipline. Killing a plate of some mean Spanish food or fast food meant discomfort, cramps and pain that would leave me balled up in bed thinking i had one of those aliens ready to burst out of me and Ripley was in the next room with a flame thrower (If you don't follow Aliens then you are sooooo lame! lol).

Not to mention mental stress can trigger bad discomfort also. Mind and body are truly linked, take care of one to help the other and you will be in a positive balance.

Needless to say having a colonoscopy becomes routine rather than that special doctors visit once in one or two years after a certain age that you hate to schedule, but need to do. When i talk to older folks they shift their eyebrows and tell me "you're too young to be doing that now"; then i tell them about the Crohns.

When i arrived in my early adulthood I was faced with another ailment triggered by Crohns......abscesses. Not a very fun thing to have and I've been through three already. I am happy to say i haven't had one in years and pray i never get one again. For all you mean/evil thinking people, yes this is something you would wish on an enemy.

Another is sudden and severe bowel bleeds; this is scary. If for any reason you have blood in your stool or excessive blood loss out your backside, GET CHECKED OUT. It can be a sign of something serious. The first time it happened to me i passed out and had to be admitted to the hospital for a few days. The crazy thing about it is after i followed up with my doctor they couldn't find the cause. I got a colonoscopy; test were done to examine my small intestines; i even had an endoscopy done to see if i have a bleeding ulcer in my stomach. All negative from the hospital tests and my own doctor.

One thing i wanted to do that night of my first bleed was rip the balls off of one of the EMS workers; this bastard was doing the write up of my 911 call in the EMS truck and when i mentioned i had Crohns this idiot says "Yea, i had a friend who had that....he died at 36", I was what 26 (I think) at the time. You really think telling someone that shit is going to ease their mind?? I was lucky my wife was riding with me for support and i never forget to remind her and thank her for that. Another thing this idiot did was when they were waiting to admit me to triage i felt light headed again and asked for oxygen; he didn't want to get up to the truck to get it and i passed out again; i woke up with 4 guys picking me up to put me on a bed from the wheelchair. Some people should really examine their career choices because his personality for that job was ill suited. You're helping people survive something, don't be cold, uncaring or mentally irresponsible.

What Lead To Fridays Exam:
On a Thursday (about 2/3 weeks ago) when i got home i experienced another bleed and since the blood has to come from somewhere i started feeling dizzy and light headed; I called my wife and she planned to meet me at the emergency room. I hopped in a cab and kept telling the driver to hurry. I was so afraid i was going to pass out in his cab and he would have to take me to one of those horrible hood hospitals i hate going to or god forbid dump me out of his cab in the street passed out to a horrible fate. But i stayed positive and strong; he was cool and did his best. I held on and made it. Needless to say after hours of observation, being given tons of fluids along with quick tests and waiting for results from blood taken they choose not to admit me since i was also feeling much better. I was able to go home while being advised to follow up with my primary doctor. The blood in my digestive system took about 2 days to clear my system and whatever was bleeding sealed itself up.

On a positive note after the review of my procedure my primary doctor surprised me with some good news. Comparing the results from the current tests to the tests done in the past and the health of my gastrointestinal track is better. Although there was an area of concern so he took a biopsy for further tests. He asked what i was doing and i told him i really eased up on the foods i ate (waaaaay better food discipline), vitamin supplements, cutting down my carbonated drinks consumption (sodas); anything that would cause me distress physically and took advantage of my gym membership to strength my body along with seeing a therapist for my mental health.

The bad news is YET AGAIN i'm back to square one and still left to wonder what the fuck is bleeding me out so bad inside every few years?

Considering the life span living in the hood it kinda does feel like turning 30 years old is giving me a mid life crisis and on top of what my body goes through it puts things into perspective about things in your past, how your present is holding up and your outlook/hopes for the future. I just pray Crohns isn't genetic because i do not want to pass this on to my children.

DO NOT IGNORE THE SIGNS YOUR BODY GIVES YOU!!

I want to leave on a positive note and say please don't worry; right now I'm fine and taking care of myself. My support structure may be small, but i manage and i will prevail no matter where my future takes me. My life and emotions are in a valley and i will face my challengers head on, but i will reach another peak and enjoy my life with whatever happiness is given to me by god.

To learn lifes lessons is to put yourself on a path of true mental clarity.

BSoM

Website:
http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/crohns/

Wisdom & Compassion

"Some religions believe compassion is the most important spiritual quality, but they fail to give any attnetion to wisdom. The result is that you can end up being a good-hearted fool."

From Good Question, Good Answer by S. Dhammika

http://www.buddhanet.net/qanda.htm

This is a great read for the open minded.