Please...

Right now my head is buzzing to the point where i can't think straight.

You ever had just random thoughts just in and out of your head like people cramming through a revolving door after someone yelled FIRE?!! Well that's me right now.

To off set things I've given myself topics and answered them. It help ease the mental. For the most part I'm not going to focus on curtain events in my life, just my general feelings on these topics.

LOVE

How do i love......sometimes with blind devotion to the point where if i can pull the heart out of my chest, thread a chain through it, glue some rhine stones on it then put it around my loved ones neck. Sounds weird and sweet all wrapped up in one, right? I've told myself plenty of times before "i'mma sucka for love"; but if that vibe goes sour, ur just a sucka. Who da fuck knows? Among politics and religion, love is one of those topics i hate to debate with people. With so many views, not many can get it right. If you cant get it right all you have is that last sentence ringing between your ears when you're sent back to the dating line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". Please insert a foot into the ass of the idiot who came up with that line. Thanks.

DEATH

OOOOOOOOO, this is a touchy subject, but fuck what you think; I'm talking about myself and splashing my thoughts up in this blog. I think about death a lot....A LOT, if you follow my blog you'll know why. Doesn't help i got a call from my dad telling me one of my cousins is dying of lung cancer. Its a weird feeling to let those thoughts consume you and scare the shit out of you. I've had feelings of utter crippling anxiety to calming thought of whatever waits for us after our bodies pass will be something wondrous. But like the rest of the world, who the fuck knows what happens and I'm just glad these are just passing feelings and i can get over it. How can a person live when all they worry about is death? Easy, you can't. Once I'm past those thoughts I'm back to my normal self. I just hope what i bring from those feelings are new perspectives on life with what i need to do next in my life before god reaches for my switch and flicks it to the OFF position.

LIFE

Just live it. If you're old enough to know the kind of person you are and you're already bored with it, do something different. You're and introvert...so do something you normally wouldn't (safely please!). If you always worried about what people think of you and what you do.....go up to a person who is always critical about you and scream "FUCK WHAT YOU THINK" to their face. A lot of people put up their own little white picket fence around their mind and trick themselves into thinking "this is it" and I'm so fucking amazed at that. Mind you as for me i have my "think shit through" moments when making an important decision, but come on, you want to do that when picking out a pair of slacks or shoes? All I'm saying is whatever you think life is.....its much more than what you think it is.

FRIENDS

From the people you love to the people you love to hate. I've had my share of needy assholes sucking on my emotional teet for comfort it made us both look like idiots from afar. I've also had amazing friends where we did nothing but bring laughter and fun to each others life. What happens with most of my friends? Its what always happens with any kind of relationship good or bad.....people tend to drift apart and some do so permanently. Doesn't matter how they go its just that they do. If it happened to you just take what you learned and use it to grow in such a way that you're a better person as the time passes.

LUST

I've been here before so many times, but which person hasn't? From lusting for the people you know to the people you don't. This is what drives a lot of people crazy; i know I've sucked from the crazy sippy straw of the cup of lust more than once in my early years. How did I deal with it? In the past I've literally cut people out of my life because i knew what i was lusting for wasn't gonna turn into reality, its that young shit....how the fuck am i suppose to know how to deal with that shit? I've never had a mentor to guide me or dealt with anyone with the views and advice on life that would help me process the fire that burned in my youth. So when i was young it was either ALL OR NOTHING, I'm not gonna lie I've lost some good people, but fuck it.....its life right? Live it or get out of the way. If i feel that now, i just laugh because at least i know how to handle it and if its a nice risk, i might take it, but I'm getting to old for superficial risks.

PASSION

Very important part of life. To have a passion to do something is a great thing. It shows that life isn't a complete wash and the door to new experiences is still open. I'm still seeking out new passions in my life and i have a few on the hook, just seeing which one is worth pulling in. Can't blame a person for being picky. With the passion for something new weather they be hobbies, people or professions it's best not to spread yourself thin and give it proper focus.

CHEATING

Ugh! Shitting feeling it is. If you're one, god help you. Make sure your nasty ass OR the one that's fucking your nasty ass wears a condom. You're a piece of shit if you're doing this or have done this; i just hope you're comfortable with yourself if you are, because it will happen to you shitbag. That's all i got to say about that shit.

LYING/TRUTH

Everyone does it; if you haven't......well you're either a better person than i am or one of the biggest fucking liars to walk the earth. Should we lie to spare someones feeling? Sure, if they're a child. Otherwise let the truth rip baby! Weather you want to surprise smack someone on the side of the head with it or be nice about it and let them brace themselves for whats being said to them. If its the kinda thing where it will bubble up, why risk the stress of a fight if its an old lie? One of the best lines that has stuck with me "The people who tell the truth have less to remember"; i figga it this way; you'd have a better path to where your life is headed if its guided by truth.

FAMILY

These are the people you have to love, but not like. I have a few family members that i don't talk to for various reasons, none you should concern yourself with, yes i do understand blood is thicker than water......but are they not human like me? Plenty of people i do and don't get along with that aren't family, but someone who is an asshole isn't born unto himself, they are blood with someone and I'm sure they don't like them either. With me blood or relation doesn't give you a pass. Act out of turn, you can get it like everyone else.

WORK

Whats to say; we all need to do it....well for those that are able....usually its a love/hate relationship. Do what you want and love what you want to do. No matter how much money it puts in your pocket.

BSoM

My 9/11 Experience

I was on my way to work and no one on the train had any idea what was going on. It was still early and no announcements were made or the panic hasn't set in which kicks in the security measures to protect the people of this city by law enforcement. By the time i reached 42nd Street Grand Central on the express train both tower were already hit and burning.

Before the law firm i work for split into two and the group i was with moved down to Wall Street we were on Lexington and 41st. The great thing about that building and the floor we were on is that it had a nice balcony that ran the length of the building with a north to south view running along Lexington. On a good day (which 9/11 was) you could see the Twin Towers and the Empire State building on the south side and just one block north you can see the Chrysler building with a long view of Lexington Avenue running north.

When i stepped into the office it seemed like people where there and now gone, but they were all on the balcony watching the towers burn. It was a horrific sight and something i will never forget. It just didn't seem real and you can only think of what the area down there must be like and all of the people that flooded into those two building in the morning to go to work.

After speaking to family and my girlfriend at the time who was out of state and worried about me, we switch from phones to two way pagers (we both had Motorola T900, remember those!!!) the cell and land line systems were being over loaded, but out text's were getting through.

I went downstairs to a Duane Reade across the street to get a disposable camera and by the time i got back the first tower already fell; it was heart wrenching. To take a break from work and always look down the Manhattan skyline of building and see both WTC building was a good feeling. Now only one was standing while the remaining building still burned........it would make anyone freak out a little bit inside.

After the first one fell we all knew the day was not going to be a regular work day so everyone was talking about what we should do next and plan our way home before they lock down the city. Most of the people lived in Westchester (past the Bronx by way of the Metro North Railroad) or Long Island and some lived in the city. The receptionist and I were the only ones that lived in the Bronx. I told her i was heading for Madison Avenue where there are express buses that head into the Bronx to the Parkchester section and if she wanted to join me she should get her shit and lets boogie.

By the time we left our job on Lexington Ave and passing Grand Central on Park Avenue (where they have the bridge with the road that wraps around Grand Central Station) they were kicking people out of the subways cuz they were shutting down the WHOLE SUBWAY SYSTEM AND METRO NORTH (Metro North begins at Grand Central so a lot of people were assed out if they didn't leave on the last trains heading out).

We weaved through the sea of people with faces that didn't know what to do or where to go cuz their day was thrown into chaos. We made it to the line where the stop was for the express buses. We didn't care which one we got on just as long as it headed into the Bronx. I was just going to take a cab home from where ever they dropped us off. It was standing room only and we were packed in tight. The driver couldn't stop if he wanted to because we were already packed and couldn't take on any more passengers. With each stop we passed you can see the lines growing and growing and the people screaming at the buses to stop. The mass exodus of people who only worked and not lived in one of the biggest cities in the world was happening for real. What made it all that real is someone had a radio and was playing 1010 WINS and they just announced the second town had fell. People were crying, cursing and praying.

By the time we reached north of the city to the bridges that lead out of NYC and into the Bronx we were diverted because they started closing down some of the bridges to control the flow of cars and people exiting the city to the outer boroughs. We made it out and the driver let us out on Parkchester in the Bronx and people from there went their own ways. The receptionist lived close by; we wish each other well and safe travel and i was able to get a cab, head home to my place in the South Bronx. I was home by 11am, but some of my friends weren't so lucky because they had to walk all the way home if they couldn't catch a ride.

My day wasn't as bad as some, but that is the day i was given and all i could do was live it and tell it to all of those that want to read it.

Thank you for giving me your time and taking the time out of your day to read my words.

BSoM

Breathe

Focus your mind,
Breath in the future,
Exhale the stress,
Find your balance.
-BronxStateOfMind

I Wrote This For My Love

I liked it and wanted to put it out there, let me know what you think of it.

An Honest Heart

A heart cant speak, yet we can speak our heart

A heart cant see, yet it can show us a love like no other

A heart cant hold you, yet a warm lovers embrace can get you lost within their love

A heart cant walk, but makes the world run everyday

By BronxStateOfMind