Fuckin' Future

You know, I tried to measure where I am in life by the company I keep and for fucks sake it doesn't help; what do I do when someone I know is doing what I think is great while they passively flaunt that shit to give themselves shine they want and crave....nothing really, people like that live to have people go "wow, you do that" knowing, in the back of their head, if they had a chance to sit on their ass eating Cheetos the rest of their lives they would; i'm just glad i'm never around those kind of people for long, the welcome wears out pretty quick.

So comes the endless battles for those with no/little direction to keep busy and see what the next day brings; I kinda feel that way, but not too much, it's a shame that some people think just waking up alive is something to be proud of; unless you're dying of something, well then, get up and clap ur hands, stomp your feet when you get outta bed, otherwise you need to evaluate your life and look at making some positive changes.

After my many tumbles and losses I've found some direction and continue to seek a brighter shining light for my other paths.  Yes I have more than one.  The brightest one is the one that my new love gives me.  Yea as corny as the life skeptic i am, love does light the way and she is my sun at high noon.

Where will my life end up in the new year?*  Hopefully with kids, new career path and a love stronger than I've ever known.  The thing is I don't fear it, sure I worry, but who doesn't worry about the future when you have the option to give yourself one.

BSoM

*Written in Dec 2009

WHO. WANT. WHAT.

I'm back! I got some shit to post; some good, some bad and God knows what else that oozes the fuck outta my head; as random as my thoughts are....anything can be written.

To all those that waited just to see the ideas of someone that might offer insight or just to hate and call me plain crazy, thank you.

My life is still focused on my love that has my heart and dealing with the shit heads i have to face day in & out; i just know i gotta post up which helps hit the release valve on my brain box.

Right now i can't wait to get home, spend time with my girl and watch the season finale of True Blood; they really stepped their shit up this season.

But watching out of shape people with black eyeballs gyrating in pudding filled piles of human skin on the floor in public is not an erection giver.  Also who the fuck gets the nickname EGGS.......you'd think he'd have a farting problem.

Peace, One Love, and I Love Titties (like it or not sharing is caring!!!!)

BSoM

P.S.  Feels good to write again :-)


**Orange Juice U Argie**

My Crawling Creativity

In my life I've been blessed with a strange way of thinking; is it just mental illness or just creativity unfocused?

Of course I'll lean towards the latter since mental illness doesn't run in my family.......much.

The way I think (to me) is very painful; I'm into so many things that inspire new ways of thinking on top of the fact that I hardly forget anything nor do I want to forget anything. I'm also what you might call a Never Ending Problem Solver by which any question or situation that is presented to me I do my best to solve it or work around it if I can't punch through it. It's a lot to process every waking hour.

My mind doesn't rest, but it stalls the way I function. By that I mean the way you think is not dictated by the clock on the wall. I'll be the first to admit I can be a slow person when something is not a rush; plenty of people can testify a little to loud to this too, lol. Most of that is due to me being stuck in my own head on whatever thought occupies me at the time; by the time I notice I've wasted daylight and god forbid wasted mine or someone else time. Which can make me feel bad......slightly.

It's kinda bad since being like this slows me down, but I walk away with new things in my mind that might help me or someone else since I believe helping people any way you can brings positivity to you; just dont hurt yourself to much to help someone.

One thing that I like, but kinda has me worried is a lot of my creativity comes out if i'm working with someone; that back and forth can be great and spawns wonderful ideas, but me with my never ending self-questioning asks "can I bring that out of myself alone?". Time will tell if I can find an answer to that question.

BSoM

TV, I Miss U........Not Really

Around mid November due to some money issues I had my Cable service cut for about a month. Now I'm not that hooked to TV that I freaked out about it; as you know I download a lot of the shows I love so that helped.

I really didn't miss anything other than NY1 for my morning viewing while I'm getting dressed and my general CNN/DISC/FOOD and other channels for general and knowledge viewing.

It also gave me time to think how bad I was hooked on TV. I would watch shows over and over again that I've seen years ago (or semi-recently) and it amazed me that this is what would consume (maybe) 4 or more hours of my evening after I got home from work.

TV really puts you in a headlock and doesn't let you go. This made me put the mirror in front of myself for some self-refection...........I don't give myself much to do at home. Sure I clean my apartment, play with my dog, work on my computer........but those I do by default day in/out.

I'm in the mists of giving myself some project and keeping myself from constantly watching TV just to watch it. It slows me down, get me mentally and physically exhausted, but what's worse is I do like many people and have bullshit playing on the TV just to have it as background noise and I'm not even focused on what's being shown while I do my day to day work around the house. I see this as a very bad sign. This is why now I'm putting my massive music collection to work, but I need a better sound system (which I'm working on).

I know people do need distractions cuz their mad stressed. You do not want to stop and think cuz of your problems and issues start to creep in; people need to just think, imagine and stretch the boundaries of your thinking without something (like TV) nipping at the edge of your ear taking your full attention from yourself, your mental energy or ability to think beyond what's fed to you by outside sources which aren't 100% reliable. Once you notice this you'll see that most of the things you think of and come up with are just things you heard from TV.

Granted I was forced to do this, but give yourself a break from TV every now and then; you gotta exercise your mind and see what kinda thinker you are. It takes practice and focus, but you'll be proud you did it.

BSoM

Please...

Right now my head is buzzing to the point where i can't think straight.

You ever had just random thoughts just in and out of your head like people cramming through a revolving door after someone yelled FIRE?!! Well that's me right now.

To off set things I've given myself topics and answered them. It help ease the mental. For the most part I'm not going to focus on curtain events in my life, just my general feelings on these topics.

LOVE

How do i love......sometimes with blind devotion to the point where if i can pull the heart out of my chest, thread a chain through it, glue some rhine stones on it then put it around my loved ones neck. Sounds weird and sweet all wrapped up in one, right? I've told myself plenty of times before "i'mma sucka for love"; but if that vibe goes sour, ur just a sucka. Who da fuck knows? Among politics and religion, love is one of those topics i hate to debate with people. With so many views, not many can get it right. If you cant get it right all you have is that last sentence ringing between your ears when you're sent back to the dating line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". Please insert a foot into the ass of the idiot who came up with that line. Thanks.

DEATH

OOOOOOOOO, this is a touchy subject, but fuck what you think; I'm talking about myself and splashing my thoughts up in this blog. I think about death a lot....A LOT, if you follow my blog you'll know why. Doesn't help i got a call from my dad telling me one of my cousins is dying of lung cancer. Its a weird feeling to let those thoughts consume you and scare the shit out of you. I've had feelings of utter crippling anxiety to calming thought of whatever waits for us after our bodies pass will be something wondrous. But like the rest of the world, who the fuck knows what happens and I'm just glad these are just passing feelings and i can get over it. How can a person live when all they worry about is death? Easy, you can't. Once I'm past those thoughts I'm back to my normal self. I just hope what i bring from those feelings are new perspectives on life with what i need to do next in my life before god reaches for my switch and flicks it to the OFF position.

LIFE

Just live it. If you're old enough to know the kind of person you are and you're already bored with it, do something different. You're and introvert...so do something you normally wouldn't (safely please!). If you always worried about what people think of you and what you do.....go up to a person who is always critical about you and scream "FUCK WHAT YOU THINK" to their face. A lot of people put up their own little white picket fence around their mind and trick themselves into thinking "this is it" and I'm so fucking amazed at that. Mind you as for me i have my "think shit through" moments when making an important decision, but come on, you want to do that when picking out a pair of slacks or shoes? All I'm saying is whatever you think life is.....its much more than what you think it is.

FRIENDS

From the people you love to the people you love to hate. I've had my share of needy assholes sucking on my emotional teet for comfort it made us both look like idiots from afar. I've also had amazing friends where we did nothing but bring laughter and fun to each others life. What happens with most of my friends? Its what always happens with any kind of relationship good or bad.....people tend to drift apart and some do so permanently. Doesn't matter how they go its just that they do. If it happened to you just take what you learned and use it to grow in such a way that you're a better person as the time passes.

LUST

I've been here before so many times, but which person hasn't? From lusting for the people you know to the people you don't. This is what drives a lot of people crazy; i know I've sucked from the crazy sippy straw of the cup of lust more than once in my early years. How did I deal with it? In the past I've literally cut people out of my life because i knew what i was lusting for wasn't gonna turn into reality, its that young shit....how the fuck am i suppose to know how to deal with that shit? I've never had a mentor to guide me or dealt with anyone with the views and advice on life that would help me process the fire that burned in my youth. So when i was young it was either ALL OR NOTHING, I'm not gonna lie I've lost some good people, but fuck it.....its life right? Live it or get out of the way. If i feel that now, i just laugh because at least i know how to handle it and if its a nice risk, i might take it, but I'm getting to old for superficial risks.

PASSION

Very important part of life. To have a passion to do something is a great thing. It shows that life isn't a complete wash and the door to new experiences is still open. I'm still seeking out new passions in my life and i have a few on the hook, just seeing which one is worth pulling in. Can't blame a person for being picky. With the passion for something new weather they be hobbies, people or professions it's best not to spread yourself thin and give it proper focus.

CHEATING

Ugh! Shitting feeling it is. If you're one, god help you. Make sure your nasty ass OR the one that's fucking your nasty ass wears a condom. You're a piece of shit if you're doing this or have done this; i just hope you're comfortable with yourself if you are, because it will happen to you shitbag. That's all i got to say about that shit.

LYING/TRUTH

Everyone does it; if you haven't......well you're either a better person than i am or one of the biggest fucking liars to walk the earth. Should we lie to spare someones feeling? Sure, if they're a child. Otherwise let the truth rip baby! Weather you want to surprise smack someone on the side of the head with it or be nice about it and let them brace themselves for whats being said to them. If its the kinda thing where it will bubble up, why risk the stress of a fight if its an old lie? One of the best lines that has stuck with me "The people who tell the truth have less to remember"; i figga it this way; you'd have a better path to where your life is headed if its guided by truth.

FAMILY

These are the people you have to love, but not like. I have a few family members that i don't talk to for various reasons, none you should concern yourself with, yes i do understand blood is thicker than water......but are they not human like me? Plenty of people i do and don't get along with that aren't family, but someone who is an asshole isn't born unto himself, they are blood with someone and I'm sure they don't like them either. With me blood or relation doesn't give you a pass. Act out of turn, you can get it like everyone else.

WORK

Whats to say; we all need to do it....well for those that are able....usually its a love/hate relationship. Do what you want and love what you want to do. No matter how much money it puts in your pocket.

BSoM