Love.....Love Letters

Once I new my girl was "the one" so long ago, I started saving all our emails to one another.  At first it was because we had such a good rapport with one another it just felt right to save our words to one another to cherish them.  Also because I did not save anything from any of my previous relationships, even if I did I would toss it, except my little monster Priest (dog) from the clutches of what would have been a horrible life with the now ex-wife.

Yea, I have hundreds of emails dating back from that chance meeting late in 2008.  Now that meeting has spawned a fun life with growth, happiness and an expected child.  Now that plan to save our words written with love, anger, apologies and everything in-between to one another can be a testament to our love and life with one another, and one day I hope that our children can read those words and know that YES you can find that love and watch it grow and create another life from that love; rather than some of the hell the unprotected sex babies of any generation have to endure with the words BABY DADDY/MOMMY ingrained in their souls; not to mention the fighting, abandonment and god forbid abuse, and think its normal.

Even though children cannot express themselves in such a manner, they look, listen and understand what goes on between the ones we call Mom and Dad; it's that hidden nurturing that we give them, that is created between the positivity and love flowing between parents that strengthens a child, there is a reason why it's frowned upon why children should not be having babies, love is not love when it's that young and the soul of your child has nothing to feed on; if either parent compensated for both father AND mother then maybe the child has a slim chance.

Who knows if our love will last until one of us leave this earth.....if it doesn't, hey it blessed me with a beautiful son and I gave all my love with no regrets.  For better or worse I will always be connected with this wonderful woman whom helped truly start our family.

Only death can stop me from raising my child, and it took a child to show me how to put away my childish things and begin, as a man, to lay the foundation to one day raise him to be a man.

Brandon, I'm your father and I'm going to show you one hell of a life, son; hope you're ready.

BSoM

An Open Heart Hurts

I wish I could talk in general terms, but if you've read from the thoughts on my blog it all comes from personal experience, those close to me or my thought processes; I was listening to a reggae love song and it had me thinking, how do you trust the one you love or recover from love lost?  Is it worth half-loving someone and putting up with their bullshit to not feel alone?  How do you have that "One Love" with someone? (not the song I was listening to by the way).


Now, I've been utterly devastated with love, I've also been rebuilt and reborn with it as well, for the simple fact that I never gave up on wanting to feel love with someone; the person that has my heart now, is she my soulmate?


She sure seems like it, but these thoughts sparked the title of this post which can be one of the most truest sayings that can be said if you are a veteran of love, my heart sure did feel that way before I found my current love; if you're a hopeless romantic willing to open your heart to someone who hasn't done the same, you know the pain of waiting in vain for them to do just that; does this cause your heart any hurt? I'm sure it does, don't fear that pain.


It's always rough to size up a person to see if they fit that special place in your heart where you show them things only those close to you are allowed to see and ask yourself "how do they handle it and are they willing?".  Some are lucky enough to have someone that can take that heart in their hands and care for it as it should be cared for.  You have the other side of that coin, where some takes advantage and basically rips your heart to shreds.


The thing about it is, where do you see yourself after the dust settles and the pieces of your heart slowly mend itself together again?  Each time the sledge hammer hit me in the heart I became cold, treated women like they shouldn't be treated, once the pain faded I was again ready to experience love in my life; I've seen men and women who fear that pain and do all they can to drag out a relationship past it's due date; those that run back and forth, breakup/makeup/breakup until something finally happens to let them know it's really over when it should have been finished way before then.  The one with the biggest heart always ends up the most bitter person if they lose the lesson of a failed relationship regardless of who is wrong.


What people fail to realize (in my opinion) is that pain an open heart experiences, once you learn from it, helps strengthen you, it really does; if you keep your heart open to someone you think is special enough and they fail you, that pain is immeasurable, the warm tears running down your cheek should tell you that a closed heart is only for a weak person who, later in life, will feel a bigger pain of a wasted life with someone who will never love your heart the way it should have been loved from the beginning, the way you loved them.


The pain that love can be is one that has driven people to do horrible things to themselves and others all in the belief that such a thing as love shouldn't be taken away and should always feel wonderful even if they have to try and force it, that never accomplishes anything; make that pain your stepping stone to your constant relationship evolution, with each new person that crosses your path you might finally meet someone who's love is tempered by that same pain and will embrace you and whisper in your ear those words that were meant for you to let you know that you have finally met true love that will last until your last breath.


If a shared love is not split 50/50, don't expect it to go far; like I've told a few people in my life "I don't want someone behind me, I don't need someone in front of me, we belong besides one another because we are equals" what love do you think you have in your life if you're not making each other a better person; if you're not empowering one another to make yourselves feel as if anything you couldn't achieve separately, you know you can conquer together.


Love is simply complicated and that's why few are really good at it.




BSoM

Dedication

The spark of my new life,
The one that judges me with a reason,
The one that picks me up when I want to fall,
The deep part of my soul that provides richness, meaning and the power of two becoming one,
My support system through the good and right,
The punisher for when I'm bad and wrong,
My muse,
My pain,
My first reason to smile while I await the birth of the second reason that will never make me stop smiling

I could dedicate a million words to you, but only three make perfect sense......

I LOVE YOU

Hate I Bid Thee Farewell‏

I marked February as the time I let go of the hate I kept in my heart for years; why you ask?  My divorce is final......should I dance and sing Gods praises?  Yes and No.  I'll explain because this is going to be the first and last time I speak publicly on this.  If you follow my blog from time to time you can see words coming from me aren't a problem, but this was just too private for me to even address as it was happening; those close to me know how painful it was for me.

I said Yes because this marriage ended up being poison to every part of me, I almost lost good friends, family and damn near my sanity trying to hold something together with someone that in the long run I wasn't compatible with; details aside, and yes I take some blame for it through youthful inexperience and bullheadedness, but to all of you reading this understand that marriage is 50/50 and if you extend yourself past that then there is a problem in need of correction; if not expect it to fall apart in front of your eyes.

The No, is basically, it hurt my heart that I made a life long promise to God that I would love and build with this person for life, I took that vow seriously.  To see it unravel, then fall past a point where it will not come back is one of the most painful feelings your heart can feel, it's the death of love and the birth of hate that makes every cell in your body want to scream "I HATE YOU" to the person who's hand you held, eyes you've locked on, the person you'd considered your other half and in front of God's servant who spoke God's words from the bible, waiting with a fast beating heart in your chest to speak those two words that were meant to be a lifetime seal on a new life where two became one......."I Do".

This pain now must be put aside for the future of my new love, my sanity and the child we plan to bring into this world.  To hate is incredibly easy; it was one of the few things that brought me to my knees, to question life itself, God's love for me and if I had a place on this planet.  The bad things another person can make you feel when you're told your not living to THEIR expectations can be devastating.  It just shows abuse can come in many forms.  But true love has lifted me pass this and all I can do is give my life to this person who loves me more than I love myself (sometimes).

The lessons learned will never be forgotten, the pain has healed and happiness has entered my life; I travel a new road and my focus is not to repeat the past and create something that i will be pleasantly surprised with, I believe it's possible.

For all that I am, I ask you to see me for my positivity and wisdom; forgive any anger and negativity.


BSoM

Fuckin' Future

You know, I tried to measure where I am in life by the company I keep and for fucks sake it doesn't help; what do I do when someone I know is doing what I think is great while they passively flaunt that shit to give themselves shine they want and crave....nothing really, people like that live to have people go "wow, you do that" knowing, in the back of their head, if they had a chance to sit on their ass eating Cheetos the rest of their lives they would; i'm just glad i'm never around those kind of people for long, the welcome wears out pretty quick.

So comes the endless battles for those with no/little direction to keep busy and see what the next day brings; I kinda feel that way, but not too much, it's a shame that some people think just waking up alive is something to be proud of; unless you're dying of something, well then, get up and clap ur hands, stomp your feet when you get outta bed, otherwise you need to evaluate your life and look at making some positive changes.

After my many tumbles and losses I've found some direction and continue to seek a brighter shining light for my other paths.  Yes I have more than one.  The brightest one is the one that my new love gives me.  Yea as corny as the life skeptic i am, love does light the way and she is my sun at high noon.

Where will my life end up in the new year?*  Hopefully with kids, new career path and a love stronger than I've ever known.  The thing is I don't fear it, sure I worry, but who doesn't worry about the future when you have the option to give yourself one.

BSoM

*Written in Dec 2009

Well Now I'm Intrigued

*Sober Note: This was in January and haven't had the chance to post it until now;  kinda wondering if I should type shit when i'm drunk...

Just left my company party; since it's a small firm the party is small and held later past December.  It's weird how my whole body acts when filled with at least 3 very strong drinks, food and god knows what else, I'm bumpin' my music ridin the 5 train and my mind is numb, racing and just.....what I would normally be, but faster, more numb......focused but spread out like if it wasn't me; I would be scatter brained with incoherinent thought.  I must admit typing this on a palm pre is making this hard.  Moving on....the first thing is how alcohol tears down the curtain of reserve you keep for yourself when you are sober, everyone knows this.  Mind you I'm not a sloppy drunk just an honest one.

I'm loving how I'm feeling right now since I don't do this everyday, while late at night traveling the trains telling the teenage kid I don't want chocolates he's selling late at night on the nyc train cuz he's trying to stay out of trouble while I think he should be in bed kissed by his parents, while he wakes in his dream world of how his imagination shoud show him how his future should welcome him with something wonderful rather than awake in a world of pain and disapointment.

The life I feel is limiting me, can be heaven to someone else; how uneven is that shit??

Transferring to the 6 right now @ 125th Street watching the late night workers going home, watching the slags staying warm till the new sun of the new day comes.....seeing the love between two hearts trying to beat to the stress pressure that is this city; love is the rare element that few are enriched with.

Almost home, I'm in my home, the BX on the trusty, rusty 6.  Life is good.

BSoM

The Family In My Head

The Beast inside is loose and he loves what he sees, no more battles with Sister Love he was created to fight, only self imposed walls of segregation his creator erected to keep Fear satisfied, the beast knows for his life to have any meaning he must destroy theses walls, protect his older siblings and force his creator to enjoy life once more.

Brother Creativity shows him the many ways of turning nothing into something.

Brother Focus keeps him on his path for his new mission.

Sister Love forgives him, comforts him and lets him know his mission is to create something from the anger that created him that will stand the test of time.

Brother Wisdom whispers with power in his ear...break bread and enjoy the company of your brothers and sister for your creator will need each and all strengths ready to take on the trials life puts him through.

Brother Fear watches and wonders what will become of him; the walls will soon come down. Will he be forgotten once victories are won and progress is made and their creator is happy and wants more of life? But no....Fear knows he will always be needed; he is one of the driving forces of change in his creator.  He knows without him the spark of will power will never appear for his all important creator to move to that next step instead of being comfortable in the position he is in and shrink into obscurity.  He knows he cannot break his creator, only strengthen him to face life and all its wonders and tragedies.

Along with the rest of his family the Beast knows his role now and it's time to blaze a path so bright that it will make his creator proud.

BSoM

JamRock Indeed

I moved on from my last music post and dusted off a nice album that I would recommend to those who may have heard of him, but never got around to listening to his music let alone this wonderful album.

Damian Marley - Welcome To Jamrock

I highly recommend giving this a listen if you haven't or revisit it and make sure you have your speakers on high when jamming out to this wonderful album which (I believe, not sure) spawned the upcoming anticipated album Distant Relatives with Damian and Nas which i will be looking forward to.



Mind you, I have like over ten thousand songs on my drive that I collected over the years and its hard to zero in on good music that encompasses the whole album and this is one such album; others I would consider in this category would be (in no such order):

Maxwell - Urban Hangout Suite
Pharoahe Monch - Internal Affairs
Soundbombing Volume 2 (Fucking Amazing Album!)
DJ Honda - HII (Love the track "Travellin' Man - Mos Def)
99% Of Big Pun's stuff (Check previous post as to why)
A Tribe Called Quest - Midnight Marauder
Biggie - Ready To Die
Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory
KRS-One - Return Of The BoomBap
Joell Ortiz - The Bodega Chronicles
Wyclef Jean - Presents The Carnival
90% of Nirvana's Catalog (great music for my high school days)


I know; I KNOW there are other great ones out there and I know I'm leaving some personal ones out due to the fact I'm trying to get my thoughts together before I get distracted again and don't post for a while.  Mind you I don't have a musical background nor do I write for a music magazine, these are my PERSONAL choices, but always open to recommendations.

BSoM

Avoid Me At All Cost!

Good lord, after 31 years on this rock spinning through space i'm learning how to drive a fucking car.  This is only pathetic if i didn't live in this wonderful city with 24/7 transit.

Every now and then I have gotten behind the wheel for a very short amount of time, nothing that would really leave an imprint or have me walking away with something learned and wanting to get behind again.  Nor have I had friends or family with cars that have the time or trust to teach me.  I let it go since it seems like I wasn't going to be transplanted to a place where I needed to learn or it would be miles and miles of walking and waiting for buses that never seem to come.

Speed up to now and with the patience to teach, my girlfriend is teaching me how to drive her car.  Granted she was hesitant since I let my Learners Permit to lapse and had to get an regular state ID, but after I scored my permit a while back she feels a bit relieved and is pushing me (hard) to get my license.

Right now its great.  I can navigate the regular streets really well even tho she laughs that sometime I drive like and old lady...........it might be the fact that i'm in a half ton semi-sports car with two lives depending on how careful I drive to make sure we don't end up in the emergency room because someone learning to drive got to comfortable behind the wheel of a car.

There are only a few things I can't stand about the whole driving experience......
1. Asshole aggressive drivers.....now my girl is an aggressive driver (not the asshole type), but when it's time to let people merge into a lane and being a respectful driver she does all that very well; but those few who just terrorize people because they have to hurry up to a place where it doesn't matter what time they get there......just asshole'ish behavior that shouldn't be tolerated cuz they put their own and other peoples life at risk.

2. Highways
It might just be I have to get use to the high speed and constant attention that's needed to travel the highways of NYC; its nerve racking to someone who is starting to learn; so you know at like 6am on the weekend is the only time i'm learning on the highways for now.  Although there are exceptions, like when we went to get our new dog a year ago......we traveled so far i think we were like an hour from the Canadian border; we had to switch off so she could get some rest.....coming back was no fun because it was cold, but not cold enough for snow so it rained HEAVY; that was my first highway experience and i think i did well, but it left me....cautious.

Over all i'm getting use to it and can't wait to be a constant driver and someone that doesn't give it a second thought, but is always careful cuz not many people walk away from a crash and if you do sometimes you painfully limp your whole life all from just one hurtful event in your whole entire life............Drive Safe Everyone.

BSoM

Thanks Tupac

 

If he wondered if "heaven's got a ghetto" then I guess this is what the fast food wars would really look like.

"I SERVE BREAKFAST ALL DAY BITCHASS CLOWN, WHO YOU CLAIM NUGGA!!"

BSoM