Thursday, December 1, 2016
Friday, August 19, 2016
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
The thing about hiding/ignoring your own mistakes is that you attack people more viciously for the mistakes they make around you or to you
You need to understand the powerful nature of the person or persons around you that forgive your mistakes and still show you love, but that doesn't last nor do those people.....they tend to drift away if their mistakes aren't equally forgiven
Thursday, June 30, 2016
If you're tearing yourself, your mind, your soul, your essence apart, shouldn't the person that loves you be the glue to help put you back together....
Be the hand that helps guide the pieces in the right place or at least be the comfort your need to know that no matter how you're shattered that there is that love regardless of your pain
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Friday, May 27, 2016
The love i want is there, but through the ride of our lives together made you lock it away, tell me if i still have the key...........i'll do anything in this world to find it and have that love again.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
OK, it's not like i'm 100% alone in the world, but you would think of those you love would show up and really ask.....really mean it, if they just asked you "are you OK"; not in the sense of "let me check up on him then go back to whatever it is i was doing". I'm not a piece of furniture that needs a dusting every now and then. A human being needs understanding, needs an outlet and a shoulder to express themselves to, without judgement.
If you feel "emptied of your stress" and are able to vent....are you doing all you can for that person as well, are they smiling saying everything is "ok", but you know they have pain behind their eyes?
I can't even remember the last time my own mother and father did that for me, let alone my own sisters, and here i thought even family looked out no matter what. It does extend to my former friends as well, only seeing what's up when they needed someone to go out with, needed a favor, because you can do something they can't or borrow something.
Who knows, maybe it's all my fault, someone close to me always tells me, it's how you carry yourself that no one wants to approach you; in a sense yes, but what can I say "i was shattered as a youth because i was molested........that making connections with people is hard"; i was violated by someone that i should have trusted and my guard is always up, if it never happened to you, then i don't expect you to understand fully, but don't disregard the person because they are not "fun" in your eyes all the time or when you want them to be.
It just takes us a little longer to feel comfortable around others because there is always something in the back of our minds that prevent us from getting close to other people or exposing a side of ourselves that we buried away under the pain we feel.
But i realized one big thing, i'm not worth anyone's time for them to change for me, even though I am the thoughtful type of person to change for someone else if they need me to. Now that feeling really hurts.
People can change, you just have to want to change for them.....but if you tell yourself "no, i'm not changing" then you already decided the person asking you is not worth it, regardless if they already changed for you, even after you asked them to.
Just my thoughts, tired of them rattling around in my head not expressed then fading away.
Friday, May 20, 2016
It's always hard in the beginning because you are forced to face and discover the feelings and situations that affect or shape you. It feels like spilling sand on a carpet and trying to get every grain back in the bottle.....you cant and you just have to deal with it. You do get stronger after a while though.
Before that, because i come from the Spanish culture, if you feel bad about something or bad shit just keeps happening the blame shifts to someone putting a hex/curse/evil eye/etc on you and you need those "professionals" to help "cleanse and protect you". In my opinion, it's a matter of each of those things to help try to change your perspective on what's going on; sort of like "if you feel relieved good luck (Santeria) or happiness (therapy) will come your way". Yes it's a weird outlook if you haven't experienced both/either.
But i'm just here to talk about the therapy side and what it helped me discover, which were:
*Before the onset of my Crohn's, my sadness and inversion of my personality was due to my molestation; unless i clicked with you, drunk or in a happy situation, i am the most quite person you'll ever meet; i dont trust anyone, ever, if a family member that is so close to you can shatter your trust, imaging someone you dont know, what they can do to you........that was my outlook for a while, its soften, but still lingers
*No consistent father figure in my life, being the only boy, in the family......put it this way, if you didn't know.....A MALE CHILD NEEDS A FUCKING FATHER IN HIS LIFE......PERIOD. Try constructing a building without a foundation, trust me you're going to be rebuilding that structure your whole fucking life, as it relates to a male child that has been violated.......he becomes a hollow person.
*I felt i didn't get the support from my mother that i should have gotten, even if you're not smarter than your children, learn along with them, explore with them and discover; we never made that connection. She's my mom and i love her, but depend on her, rarely.....put it this way, even if you hate hospitals, would you set that aside to visit your own child in one, your only son, your youngest? Well she never has and no a phone call doesn't count.....not when i drop everything for anyone i care about to be at their side
*Never cared to connect with my older sisters, since it seemed they never wanted to connect with me for whatever reason. When people speak of that sibling connection i just shrug my shoulders and say "what's that?"
*Always felt i should suffer in silence
*I find it hard to care for someone that doesnt give me in return what i give them, doesnt apply to people i love (see next)
*I fight for the things in my life until i cant anymore, i wasn't given much, so what little i do have its hard for me to let go....love, material, emotional, spiritual.....i'd rather it kill me than let it go because i see the value in it and you dont trash something that's worth holding on to, nor do you run from it....maybe it's the "fix it" side of me......i dont have a "run away and replace it" type of personality. Not with people anyway.
There are others, but that's it for now. I'll go back soon when time allows, but giving myself time to write about it is my own therapy, at any age it doesnt hurt to heal yourself and your mind needs as much healing as your heart, soul and body.
Dont let your demons drive the people you love away. Get help.
Keeping my mind from imploding
my heart from exploding
my love from dying
from spewing the words that would hurt them, but fill me with disease
if i was writing this with a pen my hand would catch the illest cramp
a death grip to release these poison thoughts that cage the real me and help keep the bottle empty as to not explode
but i pound these keys while in the back of my head assess the the constant equation of self-worth+stress=a lesser me
Don't be sad for me, when i'm happy i'm not here; when i'm sad i'll think i'll never leave; as long as the revolving door keeps turning i'll never be trapped on either side and new perspectives will be discovered
Always remember a little caring and attention goes a long way, pick your eyes up from whatever it is that doesn't matter; the people in your life will disappear in a beat of a hummingbirds heart
Wednesday, May 4, 2016
I can say that i'm more of a great friend to those few i truly connect with rather than being a good friend to all of those around me.
You may not know it, but so many people give away the person they are and not know it, not to say they try to hide it, but it flows out for people to see, if they are actually looking, i see this and most of the times I can tell that this is a person i really dont want to get to know; those people that can trust a stranger more than the people they've known for years just never have their eyes open. I cannot fathom opening up to someone so wide about what's in my heart and head, just because they may have a trusting face or are friendly.
Well the reason for these feelings is I received a text from someone i thought was my best friend asking if i can visit him and his family out of state with my family for a reunion of sorts with the rest of our "friends"; mind you the others were never really my friend, they all gravitated to him and in true selfish fashion only cared about knowing the charismatic friend or maybe stay friends with the one that can help you get the most ass and not really making it a group friendship. Fun group right? Not really, but being young and having no one stable in your life to guide you in the best direction....you just deal with what comes your way.
I gave it some thought but ultimately i'm not going to go, for better or worse i walked away from all of them, they served no real purpose or never made an effort to be friends, add to the mix that most have families now so attention is directed elsewhere.
Now i'm learning that if you project outward about issues, you need to flip the coin and look inward.
In-spite of what happened to me as a child having the desires of the mind that i have and coming from the hood, wasn't a good mix to making friends, at least with those that would make growing up fun. Not many wanted to be friends with the smart fat kid who loved to learn and explore and just didn't have, at the time, a heavy heart.
It actually made me a target for asshole i couldn't do anything about and all the stuff that happened to me shaped me in certain ways and i hate talking about this. You ever had so much pain in your past that even taking a deep breath hurts your chest and knowing that if those that were suppose to love you raised you right, maybe you wouldn't be so damaged.
Why is it so hard to find someone who has the same insight as you, someone willing to understand you so deeply that they can look at you and instead of asking you "what's wrong", just know or at least know how to talk to you, comfort you and expect the same in return.
I'm trying to change so i don't become a lonely old man where people just check on you to make sure your alive from time to time.
I don't know, I feel so helpless sometimes, and wish someone would come to my rescue without me having to scream for them to come.
If you love someone with all your heart, hug them with our heart, talk to them, discover again what it is about that that you love so much and they will know it's alright and they will start to heal and be a better person.
Ignore them and watch them die a slow painful lonely mental and emotional death.
Monday, May 2, 2016
I hold my tongue because I have a good heart; even when I'm mad, but not when I'm pissed off, then the locks come off. Even when I'm called names, shamed about my body and made to seem I'm not built like a man; is that how you make a good person better, tear them down, not care about their mental stress and do nothing for them because they are not worth the focus you put on other people? Funny I thought making sure I'm stable, the way I made sure you were, was one of your first priorities. A guys pretty face, one that is already admired by another woman makes you ignore the ugly face that held you down through everything.
This is a sort of thing that comes and goes, but why should it be there in the first place; why should I be use to it, maybe my heart doesn't know any better; when you look to love unconditionally it seems like it's the best time to abuse it, love given so freely is not a love many desire, but should I mistreat you, maybe I might get the love I deserve, but I can't and I won't..........whatever, I have a million other things I need to focus on and the only thing encouraging me is me.
Good job, do your thing and stop being a loser......my new mantra.
Thursday, April 28, 2016
This only applies if the person you're becoming disconnected from is NOT doing dirt behind your back, then of course they would be different, they are actively hiding stuff from you that normally changes their behavior if you're looking close enough.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
maybe i need to pull apart everything about me that makes me who i am and hopefully i can put it back together and become something better, maybe i wont and just leave the pieces where they lay; i dont know yet....................
They see others as perfect and see you as garbage, maybe that's why those guys get more of their time then you do...........
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
Since time has passed and no one follows this page, I just do this for me; I don't talk anymore, nor do I have anyone who I can talk to that will actually give a shit past their own problems.
I am just tired and given how things are in my life, i'm just depressed; i had a lot of things going on in my life that for right now just makes me feel hopeless. One of the major things that has happened to me was when i was young i was molested by my cousin Carlos Diaz, from my fathers side; if you haven't been sexually assaulted and you know someone who has and they are older, dealing with them can be very difficult. One thing you have to understand, no matter how old the person is and they've been through this traumatic experience and cant put the person responsible behind bars, we think about it everyday; not a day goes by I don't give it thought and either shut down, lash out or blame myself; not everyday is dark, but i wish their were more brighter days for me.
I've been to therapy, but that was for couples counselling and we've touched on it because it, among other issues, are affecting us.
Being abused automatically puts a mask on your whole entire self, and those close to you that see under the mask have to deal with a lot, it's not their fault, they just don't understand what you been through and some just think "why cant you just get over it, it's been so long, move on"; that is callous thinking and with these deep scars we cant, we can only manage it.
I , dont know what else to say, i have a lot of things just weighing me down from my past and present that i dont really want to express or complain about, I know no one cares, but yet when they come to you to express themselves, I better care or i'm the one that seem cold and callous.
When you see someone with a mask, dont look at the eyes of the mask, look at the bottom of it to see if you see tears dripping out from beneath it.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Faith in its form is a realization to me, not the concept itself, I have faith in many things, myself included; but, in my opinion, I don't see faith as a foundation to your own life. It is a positive and powerful concept, yes.
For those that keep faith as their foundation, my view of them is such that they are standing on glass, seems like they are floating on nothing but strenght manifested.
Maybe that's why when they come to that point in their life that they lose their faith they feel like their falling....
The fall back to that happening is that "it's in God's hands", as if to say you never have a hand in causing the positive things in life, only the negative.
Faith should be that warm hug you need when you're unsure, nervous, afraid and all those other feelings that make you doubt or hesitate.
Reading this you might want to ask "if faith shouldn't be part of my foundation, what should be?"
Well, to me it should be things grounded in everyday, such as your intelligence, inquisitiveness, to question life and actions, a plan for your goals that is not resistance to change.....faith should be the reassurance that you have the ability to use and act on these strengths to accomplish your goals and objectives or discover new ones. You can lay your foundation as you see fit. You are of course the captain of your ship.
Faith is a tool to be used when you need its help and reassurance, not the leash around your neck hoping it's going to lead you to where you want to go.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Best friends willingly defying each other while pulling me apart for dominance,
Death daily whispering to life to "sleep it won't hurt, love"
Life screaming "A life given to live, let your mind explode like the sun!!!"
rest vs restlessness
Death will win, but not before life will leave it's scars on its body, and with its last breath, life will whisper "it doesn't hurt brother"; "it doesn't?, why" Ask death, "because I lived and will live again"
Monday, February 11, 2013
Almost two years since I've posted; not many ups and downs, but a life focused on responsibility and family and all that other stuff really does take up a lot of your time, and the time you have for yourself, you just want to just pass out and hope you get enough rest.
Argie, my life, my love and the enjoyable pain in my ass. Love You.
Brandon, my son......this dude is so fucking smart and may have the emotional imprint of his mother and father, so god help the women/people in his life once he knows how to put his intelligence behind that and pull the (figurative) trigger on those around him; he will be an exciting, smart, funny and unpredictable person (among his other characteristics). Cant wait :-)
Violet Rose, my little girl still growing and waiting to enter the world. From how she's stomping around her mothers uterus she's gonna be Handful #2 of the Rosario/Luna clan. That careful pride you feel as a father to your first son, which is amplified by him being your first born is a feeling that needs to be experience, it can never be explained. I don't know how it would be any difference with a girl, the love is the same, maybe how our culture treats one another-especially women-it may be more cautious. The younger me might not have been a good example of how you go about dealing with women, but I like to think I've grown to know how to raise a strong women from my mistakes and triumphs.
School, I've enrolled back into college. For now I call City Tech in BK my intellectual home, even though when i walk to school i have sad envious thoughts when I glance across the street to NYU Polytech....wishing that was the school i was really in...whatever, a star shines no matter what the position and intensity.
Humeria..........wow, what can I not say about this drug; daily cramps 99% GONE; daily random abdominal pains 99% GONE; hospital stays NONE so far; although the reported side affects can make you not really want to take it, I'm one of the lucky ones, for now, it hasn't affected me, just my ailments from Crohns. Being exhausted and in pain EVERYDAY is no fun, now I'm just exhausted!
My job, or should I say ex-job. After thirteen years they decided to let me go. Since going through this transition in my life and working through this last month they offered me rather than letting me go the same day, I find it prudent not to really say that much. Being reserved is not easy, i do have a lot to say, but it's best left unsaid as to not have an impact on any future decisions/ventures. It does suck having so much on my shoulders that they decide to do this, but my family is the only reason to keep moving on, they will not end me with their short sighted actions.
Tired all the time.......damn well at least while I look for a job I will have the free time now to fix that problem.
I have more, but I feel it's just too personal to put out there like that without having to deal with and creating situations that for now doesn't need to be created, but how i like to tell myself and others around me "the stuff you're going through now.....do you really think it will be a factor six months, a year, two years from now? Why stress it if your life is not on the line?"
For those that read my blog in the past and checked on it from time to time, thank you and there is more to come!
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Monday, November 29, 2010
Yea, I have hundreds of emails dating back from that chance meeting late in 2008. Now that meeting has spawned a fun life with growth, happiness and an expected child. Now that plan to save our words written with love, anger, apologies and everything in-between to one another can be a testament to our love and life with one another, and one day I hope that our children can read those words and know that YES you can find that love and watch it grow and create another life from that love; rather than some of the hell the unprotected sex babies of any generation have to endure with the words BABY DADDY/MOMMY ingrained in their souls; not to mention the fighting, abandonment and god forbid abuse, and think its normal.
Even though children cannot express themselves in such a manner, they look, listen and understand what goes on between the ones we call Mom and Dad; it's that hidden nurturing that we give them, that is created between the positivity and love flowing between parents that strengthens a child, there is a reason why it's frowned upon why children should not be having babies, love is not love when it's that young and the soul of your child has nothing to feed on; if either parent compensated for both father AND mother then maybe the child has a slim chance.
Who knows if our love will last until one of us leave this earth.....if it doesn't, hey it blessed me with a beautiful son and I gave all my love with no regrets. For better or worse I will always be connected with this wonderful woman whom helped truly start our family.
Only death can stop me from raising my child, and it took a child to show me how to put away my childish things and begin, as a man, to lay the foundation to one day raise him to be a man.
Brandon, I'm your father and I'm going to show you one hell of a life, son; hope you're ready.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Now, I've been utterly devastated with love, I've also been rebuilt and reborn with it as well, for the simple fact that I never gave up on wanting to feel love with someone; the person that has my heart now, is she my soulmate?
She sure seems like it, but these thoughts sparked the title of this post which can be one of the most truest sayings that can be said if you are a veteran of love, my heart sure did feel that way before I found my current love; if you're a hopeless romantic willing to open your heart to someone who hasn't done the same, you know the pain of waiting in vain for them to do just that; does this cause your heart any hurt? I'm sure it does, don't fear that pain.
It's always rough to size up a person to see if they fit that special place in your heart where you show them things only those close to you are allowed to see and ask yourself "how do they handle it and are they willing?". Some are lucky enough to have someone that can take that heart in their hands and care for it as it should be cared for. You have the other side of that coin, where some takes advantage and basically rips your heart to shreds.
The thing about it is, where do you see yourself after the dust settles and the pieces of your heart slowly mend itself together again? Each time the sledge hammer hit me in the heart I became cold, treated women like they shouldn't be treated, once the pain faded I was again ready to experience love in my life; I've seen men and women who fear that pain and do all they can to drag out a relationship past it's due date; those that run back and forth, breakup/makeup/breakup until something finally happens to let them know it's really over when it should have been finished way before then. The one with the biggest heart always ends up the most bitter person if they lose the lesson of a failed relationship regardless of who is wrong.
What people fail to realize (in my opinion) is that pain an open heart experiences, once you learn from it, helps strengthen you, it really does; if you keep your heart open to someone you think is special enough and they fail you, that pain is immeasurable, the warm tears running down your cheek should tell you that a closed heart is only for a weak person who, later in life, will feel a bigger pain of a wasted life with someone who will never love your heart the way it should have been loved from the beginning, the way you loved them.
The pain that love can be is one that has driven people to do horrible things to themselves and others all in the belief that such a thing as love shouldn't be taken away and should always feel wonderful even if they have to try and force it, that never accomplishes anything; make that pain your stepping stone to your constant relationship evolution, with each new person that crosses your path you might finally meet someone who's love is tempered by that same pain and will embrace you and whisper in your ear those words that were meant for you to let you know that you have finally met true love that will last until your last breath.
If a shared love is not split 50/50, don't expect it to go far; like I've told a few people in my life "I don't want someone behind me, I don't need someone in front of me, we belong besides one another because we are equals" what love do you think you have in your life if you're not making each other a better person; if you're not empowering one another to make yourselves feel as if anything you couldn't achieve separately, you know you can conquer together.
Love is simply complicated and that's why few are really good at it.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
The one that judges me with a reason,
The one that picks me up when I want to fall,
The deep part of my soul that provides richness, meaning and the power of two becoming one,
My support system through the good and right,
The punisher for when I'm bad and wrong,
My first reason to smile while I await the birth of the second reason that will never make me stop smiling
I could dedicate a million words to you, but only three make perfect sense......
I LOVE YOU
Friday, March 26, 2010
I said Yes because this marriage ended up being poison to every part of me, I almost lost good friends, family and damn near my sanity trying to hold something together with someone that in the long run I wasn't compatible with; details aside, and yes I take some blame for it through youthful inexperience and bullheadedness, but to all of you reading this understand that marriage is 50/50 and if you extend yourself past that then there is a problem in need of correction; if not expect it to fall apart in front of your eyes.
The No, is basically, it hurt my heart that I made a life long promise to God that I would love and build with this person for life, I took that vow seriously. To see it unravel, then fall past a point where it will not come back is one of the most painful feelings your heart can feel, it's the death of love and the birth of hate that makes every cell in your body want to scream "I HATE YOU" to the person who's hand you held, eyes you've locked on, the person you'd considered your other half and in front of God's servant who spoke God's words from the bible, waiting with a fast beating heart in your chest to speak those two words that were meant to be a lifetime seal on a new life where two became one......."I Do".
This pain now must be put aside for the future of my new love, my sanity and the child we plan to bring into this world. To hate is incredibly easy; it was one of the few things that brought me to my knees, to question life itself, God's love for me and if I had a place on this planet. The bad things another person can make you feel when you're told your not living to THEIR expectations can be devastating. It just shows abuse can come in many forms. But true love has lifted me pass this and all I can do is give my life to this person who loves me more than I love myself (sometimes).
The lessons learned will never be forgotten, the pain has healed and happiness has entered my life; I travel a new road and my focus is not to repeat the past and create something that i will be pleasantly surprised with, I believe it's possible.
For all that I am, I ask you to see me for my positivity and wisdom; forgive any anger and negativity.
You know, I tried to measure where I am in life by the company I keep and for fucks sake it doesn't help; what do I do when someone I know is doing what I think is great while they passively flaunt that shit to give themselves shine they want and crave....nothing really, people like that live to have people go "wow, you do that" knowing, in the back of their head, if they had a chance to sit on their ass eating Cheetos the rest of their lives they would; i'm just glad i'm never around those kind of people for long, the welcome wears out pretty quick.
So comes the endless battles for those with no/little direction to keep busy and see what the next day brings; I kinda feel that way, but not too much, it's a shame that some people think just waking up alive is something to be proud of; unless you're dying of something, well then, get up and clap ur hands, stomp your feet when you get outta bed, otherwise you need to evaluate your life and look at making some positive changes.
After my many tumbles and losses I've found some direction and continue to seek a brighter shining light for my other paths. Yes I have more than one. The brightest one is the one that my new love gives me. Yea as corny as the life skeptic i am, love does light the way and she is my sun at high noon.
Where will my life end up in the new year?* Hopefully with kids, new career path and a love stronger than I've ever known. The thing is I don't fear it, sure I worry, but who doesn't worry about the future when you have the option to give yourself one.
*Written in Dec 2009
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Just left my company party; since it's a small firm the party is small and held later past December. It's weird how my whole body acts when filled with at least 3 very strong drinks, food and god knows what else, I'm bumpin' my music ridin the 5 train and my mind is numb, racing and just.....what I would normally be, but faster, more numb......focused but spread out like if it wasn't me; I would be scatter brained with incoherinent thought. I must admit typing this on a palm pre is making this hard. Moving on....the first thing is how alcohol tears down the curtain of reserve you keep for yourself when you are sober, everyone knows this. Mind you I'm not a sloppy drunk just an honest one.
I'm loving how I'm feeling right now since I don't do this everyday, while late at night traveling the trains telling the teenage kid I don't want chocolates he's selling late at night on the nyc train cuz he's trying to stay out of trouble while I think he should be in bed kissed by his parents, while he wakes in his dream world of how his imagination shoud show him how his future should welcome him with something wonderful rather than awake in a world of pain and disapointment.
The life I feel is limiting me, can be heaven to someone else; how uneven is that shit??
Transferring to the 6 right now @ 125th Street watching the late night workers going home, watching the slags staying warm till the new sun of the new day comes.....seeing the love between two hearts trying to beat to the stress pressure that is this city; love is the rare element that few are enriched with.
Almost home, I'm in my home, the BX on the trusty, rusty 6. Life is good.
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Beast inside is loose and he loves what he sees, no more battles with Sister Love he was created to fight, only self imposed walls of segregation his creator erected to keep Fear satisfied, the beast knows for his life to have any meaning he must destroy theses walls, protect his older siblings and force his creator to enjoy life once more.
Brother Creativity shows him the many ways of turning nothing into something.
Brother Focus keeps him on his path for his new mission.
Sister Love forgives him, comforts him and lets him know his mission is to create something from the anger that created him that will stand the test of time.
Brother Wisdom whispers with power in his ear...break bread and enjoy the company of your brothers and sister for your creator will need each and all strengths ready to take on the trials life puts him through.
Brother Fear watches and wonders what will become of him; the walls will soon come down. Will he be forgotten once victories are won and progress is made and their creator is happy and wants more of life? But no....Fear knows he will always be needed; he is one of the driving forces of change in his creator. He knows without him the spark of will power will never appear for his all important creator to move to that next step instead of being comfortable in the position he is in and shrink into obscurity. He knows he cannot break his creator, only strengthen him to face life and all its wonders and tragedies.
Along with the rest of his family the Beast knows his role now and it's time to blaze a path so bright that it will make his creator proud.
I moved on from my last music post and dusted off a nice album that I would recommend to those who may have heard of him, but never got around to listening to his music let alone this wonderful album.
Damian Marley - Welcome To Jamrock
I highly recommend giving this a listen if you haven't or revisit it and make sure you have your speakers on high when jamming out to this wonderful album which (I believe, not sure) spawned the upcoming anticipated album Distant Relatives with Damian and Nas which i will be looking forward to.
Mind you, I have like over ten thousand songs on my drive that I collected over the years and its hard to zero in on good music that encompasses the whole album and this is one such album; others I would consider in this category would be (in no such order):
Maxwell - Urban Hangout Suite
Pharoahe Monch - Internal Affairs
Soundbombing Volume 2 (Fucking Amazing Album!)
DJ Honda - HII (Love the track "Travellin' Man - Mos Def)
99% Of Big Pun's stuff (Check previous post as to why)
A Tribe Called Quest - Midnight Marauder
Biggie - Ready To Die
Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory
KRS-One - Return Of The BoomBap
Joell Ortiz - The Bodega Chronicles
Wyclef Jean - Presents The Carnival
90% of Nirvana's Catalog (great music for my high school days)
I know; I KNOW there are other great ones out there and I know I'm leaving some personal ones out due to the fact I'm trying to get my thoughts together before I get distracted again and don't post for a while. Mind you I don't have a musical background nor do I write for a music magazine, these are my PERSONAL choices, but always open to recommendations.
Good lord, after 31 years on this rock spinning through space i'm learning how to drive a fucking car. This is only pathetic if i didn't live in this wonderful city with 24/7 transit.
Every now and then I have gotten behind the wheel for a very short amount of time, nothing that would really leave an imprint or have me walking away with something learned and wanting to get behind again. Nor have I had friends or family with cars that have the time or trust to teach me. I let it go since it seems like I wasn't going to be transplanted to a place where I needed to learn or it would be miles and miles of walking and waiting for buses that never seem to come.
Speed up to now and with the patience to teach, my girlfriend is teaching me how to drive her car. Granted she was hesitant since I let my Learners Permit to lapse and had to get an regular state ID, but after I scored my permit a while back she feels a bit relieved and is pushing me (hard) to get my license.
Right now its great. I can navigate the regular streets really well even tho she laughs that sometime I drive like and old lady...........it might be the fact that i'm in a half ton semi-sports car with two lives depending on how careful I drive to make sure we don't end up in the emergency room because someone learning to drive got to comfortable behind the wheel of a car.
There are only a few things I can't stand about the whole driving experience......
1. Asshole aggressive drivers.....now my girl is an aggressive driver (not the asshole type), but when it's time to let people merge into a lane and being a respectful driver she does all that very well; but those few who just terrorize people because they have to hurry up to a place where it doesn't matter what time they get there......just asshole'ish behavior that shouldn't be tolerated cuz they put their own and other peoples life at risk.
It might just be I have to get use to the high speed and constant attention that's needed to travel the highways of NYC; its nerve racking to someone who is starting to learn; so you know at like 6am on the weekend is the only time i'm learning on the highways for now. Although there are exceptions, like when we went to get our new dog a year ago......we traveled so far i think we were like an hour from the Canadian border; we had to switch off so she could get some rest.....coming back was no fun because it was cold, but not cold enough for snow so it rained HEAVY; that was my first highway experience and i think i did well, but it left me....cautious.
Over all i'm getting use to it and can't wait to be a constant driver and someone that doesn't give it a second thought, but is always careful cuz not many people walk away from a crash and if you do sometimes you painfully limp your whole life all from just one hurtful event in your whole entire life............Drive Safe Everyone.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Saturday, December 12, 2009
I saw you, that is to say I seen you...in my rear view,
My only mission I have now is to surpass you,
Surpass the levels of pain you fed me on the daily,
The guilt trips to nowhere,
But out of a wall of tears flows a new man with a lovely plan to live the life I dream with a new fam,
A better love that gives me hope with each pump of blood,
The heart is stronger now this time around, to see through the cover of the silent demon you kept hidden away, you know the one who took the reigns during our battles after the real you ran away,
Unable to stand on the sand you called your solid foundation, I built a new home you're never welcomed in, our last chapter of life together is done, call it revelations.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
"Never kiss anyone's ass"
He use to work at a supermarket around Pelham Parkway up in the BX; i guess as a way of showing me what hard work can be, earn some change and in a weird way to spend some time with me he let me pack bags at the registers, yes this was my first job, lol. Aside from trying to fuck every piece of pussy in that place (which i think he did) i saw his interactions with his higher ups whom he worked his ass off for. They basically made him the guy to run the store while they were his overseers....but of course not making the same money as they were. This enforced that jewel he dropped on me and while i will never kiss anyone's ass, i do extend a curtain respect that people in general deserve. If they fuck that up? Well, respect is easily taken as it was given.
"Sometimes It's Good To Be A LITTLE Selfish"
This one i kinda developed on my own; not because I'm a selfish bastard or anything (but piss me off or rub me the wrong way and i can be). It came about, i believe, when i was giving someone advice who felt like they were doing their best to keep their head above water; they felt people were pulling them down. They didn't want to NOT help people, but they didn't want to be taken down with them making it a loss for all involved.
I basically told them "why would you hurt yourself so bad that you cant/wont help anyone in the future for this person". Face it a lot of people we know can be takers if all you are is a giver. Now this is not me saying not to help anyone, but even Jesus said "get your ass up and learn to fish cuz I'm not gonna be serving you every time you tell me you're hungry!!!" Y'all bible thumpers know the quote I'm talking about.
If you're strong enough to help someone then who would stop you? But if you're running on fumes try not to hurt your life to help someone cuz then it will be two people that lose.
"Learning From Your Mistakes Is Smart, But Learning from Others Mistakes Is Wise"
This is a Chinese Proverb that i picked up in High School and really never left my head. I like it cuz it straight to the point and letting you know other people go through shit everyday; keep your eyes and ears open so if you have a chance to learn from what they been through you're a few steps ahead of this game called life (and NO not that funky board game).
A Jack Of All Trades Is A Master Of None"
This one kinda floored me when i read it in an article somewhere. And its kinda true; i would kinda consider myself a light jack of all trades, but as soon as i read the end of this quote it felt all too real. Aside from being a Paralegal, I'm not really a master of anything i do well. I know computers....up to a point; i love science and learning about it, but never followed that field. I'm extremely organized person that can keep track of my stuff that i organize, yet i wonder why i never ended up in the career field of Logistics. I doubt at my age there are many "missed opportunities", but if i don't want to miss out then i need to see what i can become a master at.
And so should you.......
I guess from time to time when I find some interesting music I will post my opinion about it; such as the Travis Barker remix of Forever a few days ago.
The last FULL album i was rocking was that Slaughterhouse CD and that is PURE LYRICAL FIRE.
GET. IT. NOW. Especially if you are a hip hop lyrical head. Your walls will bleed when you blast that at home.
Right now what is making me deaf for the past few weeks since its release is Lil Wayne's No Ceiling Mixtape; now i know there are a bunch of people who couldnt give a fuck about him and thats cool; he's not my favorite, but he does rise above most who just rap about the same thing over and over and over again; I do enjoy his twist and style.
The ignorant side of me likes it a lot, but the side of me that acutally uses brain power sees it as a good listen, but since a free mixtape with him spitting with no apparent structure as he would for an album it lacks a path for someone to follow when listening to a story. Well except for songs that are geared towards women and his ability to be a playa and handle his chicks; he's kinda on point with those songs alone.
The beat jacking he does is cool and he picked some hot tracks to jack. My fav's are Wasted, Banned from TV and Run This Town; honorable mention is I Gotta Feeling.
The thing about him releasing this album for free to his fans is that most the songs (again) lacks a story line and just filled with punchline after punchline and over the top word play. He's basically saying the things he's saying to say them cuz he thinks they are hot, but i have to agree most of it is hot if that's the sort of thing you are into when you listen to music like this.
Out of 10 i would give this a 7.5; it's a good listen and a nice change from the songs that these beats belong to that play on the radio a hundred times a day.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
SPREAD THE WORD KIDS.....DONT BE SELFISH EVERYONE NEEDS TO KNOW HE DOES THIS.
Travis Barker is the man on the drums and has done something that is simply amazing. Through his skills he is able to remix songs with his own amazing drum tracks that even if you shun all forms of music except Hip-Hop he makes you bang your head until its damn near READY TO FALL OFF.
His remixes of Soulija Boy's - Crank Dat, Busta Rhymes - Dont Touch Me Now and a bunch of others is nothing short of jaw dropping amazing. He even blesses us with video of the making of his personal remix which shows you the purness of his genius. I listen to this so loud and so often my ears hurt.
Shout out to the cave man who grabbed two stick and started banging on dried anamial skin becuase if he didnt we wouldnt have this.
Hardcore shit that will never stink.
P.S. He KILLED it during the Wayne verse.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Forget it, leave his ass alone......i was just mad.
I started playing the subway scrabble game so i basically upped my intake of their food in hopes of winning something nice; considering some of my luck recently i decided to give it a go.
Closest i've gotten were two instant prizes for a gaming site that is tied into the promotions; also all i need is the letter S to win an island vacation; now being i just came back from a cruise for my birthday week i really wouldn't mind heading out again to someplace nice! (more on the cruise later, work has me crazy busy)
It seems like i wont really get anything out of this except the turds i'm leaving in the toilet........My loss can be some what your gain; i got a ton of those promo 20% discount codes for Champs Sports.......and i dont really shop with them for sporting goods so i might as well hit you guys up with it, if ya need to shave off a few dolla bills from that online order.
Use at www.champssports.com
20% discount on all orders; dont know if you can use more than one at one time
(most likely you can't)
Redeem by 12/31/2009
(can't use past that date, for the dummies that dont know what REDEEM means)
For some reason it has Cashier Code on the tickets, its: 72920
(same for all, doubt if you'll need it)
Get'em while their hot!!!
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
I'm back! I got some shit to post; some good, some bad and God knows what else that oozes the fuck outta my head; as random as my thoughts are....anything can be written.
To all those that waited just to see the ideas of someone that might offer insight or just to hate and call me plain crazy, thank you.
My life is still focused on my love that has my heart and dealing with the shit heads i have to face day in & out; i just know i gotta post up which helps hit the release valve on my brain box.
Right now i can't wait to get home, spend time with my girl and watch the season finale of True Blood; they really stepped their shit up this season.
But watching out of shape people with black eyeballs gyrating in pudding filled piles of human skin on the floor in public is not an erection giver. Also who the fuck gets the nickname EGGS.......you'd think he'd have a farting problem.
Peace, One Love, and I Love Titties (like it or not sharing is caring!!!!)
P.S. Feels good to write again :-)
**Orange Juice U Argie**
Friday, April 17, 2009
I'm still debating weather I should just speak on the things I've had to do and gone through, but as of last week really the final big boulder has been taken off my back and i'm doing much better; God blessed me with a better and new support system that puts me in a place i felt i should have been at a long time ago.
Hope for something that can help breed positivity in your life long enough and doesn't wish bad on anyone and it will truly be granted.
Always remember to give back as much goodness that has been given to you; keep that cycle alive.
Of course I'll lean towards the latter since mental illness doesn't run in my family.......much.
The way I think (to me) is very painful; I'm into so many things that inspire new ways of thinking on top of the fact that I hardly forget anything nor do I want to forget anything. I'm also what you might call a Never Ending Problem Solver
by which any question or situation that is presented to me I do my best to solve it or work around it if I can't punch through it. It's a lot to process every waking hour.
My mind doesn't rest, but it stalls the way I function. By that I mean the way you think is not dictated by the clock on the wall. I'll be the first to admit I can be a slow person when something is not a rush; plenty of people can testify a little to loud to this too, lol. Most of that is due to me being stuck in my own head on whatever thought occupies me at the time; by the time I notice I've wasted daylight and god forbid wasted mine or someone else time. Which can make me feel bad......slightly.
It's kinda bad since being like this slows me down, but I walk away with new things in my mind that might help me or someone else since I believe helping people any way you can brings positivity to you; just dont hurt yourself to much to help someone.
One thing that I like, but kinda has me worried is a lot of my creativity comes out if i'm working with someone; that back and forth can be great and spawns wonderful ideas, but me with my never ending self-questioning asks "can I bring that out of myself alone?". Time will tell if I can find an answer to that question.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
I know I am.
I guess it's that part of my nature that questions everything. Or that little voice in the back of my head that always says "are you sure".
Trust issues can spawn this; believe me I had MAJOR trust issues (keyword HAD); but as always you have to learn from it. Or it will eat you from the ass up.
Trust your instincts and beat the snakes from the grass.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Of course this isn't the whole sing and dance kinda show.......i mean come on what other show incorporates Captain Crunch as a stage prop?
I intentionally wore a bright blue shirt with a really bright blue tie for the event; which was kinda over dressing since people were in street clothes and hats, but no matter. The highlight for me is i was picked to turn the lights off to the whole theater (there is some crowd participation). It was a great and fun time. These guys are gifted and really funny.
Overall i enjoyed the show and highly recommend it. Its not corny or lame. It was a fun night out.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
This year is a focused TAKE NO SHIT year for me. If you're in my life you can either stand aside, walk with me or get walked over. My tongue begged for me to stop biting it, but trust I still have verbal venom control :-)~
Most of my goals are clear and being reached one by one. Summer will shine on us and the road will be rocky before its smooth. I will enjoy every second of the ride.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
We can't forget to thank former President George W. Bush and his buddies for setting the stage for this mess and handing President-elect Barack Obama with a nice pile of economic bullshit wrapped in a cute little bow.
As with anything that happens in the world; things will come out of this blunder that will of course strengthen the economy for years to come.
I guess sometimes you do need greedy selfish idiots in charge to really effect positive change for the rest of us. Times are changing and I hope this habit the U.S. has changes with it.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
I really didn't miss anything other than NY1 for my morning viewing while I'm getting dressed and my general CNN/DISC/FOOD and other channels for general and knowledge viewing.
It also gave me time to think how bad I was hooked on TV. I would watch shows over and over again that I've seen years ago (or semi-recently) and it amazed me that this is what would consume (maybe) 4 or more hours of my evening after I got home from work.
TV really puts you in a headlock and doesn't let you go. This made me put the mirror in front of myself for some self-refection...........I don't give myself much to do at home. Sure I clean my apartment, play with my dog, work on my computer........but those I do by default day in/out.
I'm in the mists of giving myself some project and keeping myself from constantly watching TV just to watch it. It slows me down, get me mentally and physically exhausted, but what's worse is I do like many people and have bullshit playing on the TV just to have it as background noise and I'm not even focused on what's being shown while I do my day to day work around the house. I see this as a very bad sign. This is why now I'm putting my massive music collection to work, but I need a better sound system (which I'm working on).
I know people do need distractions cuz their mad stressed. You do not want to stop and think cuz of your problems and issues start to creep in; people need to just think, imagine and stretch the boundaries of your thinking without something (like TV) nipping at the edge of your ear taking your full attention from yourself, your mental energy or ability to think beyond what's fed to you by outside sources which aren't 100% reliable. Once you notice this you'll see that most of the things you think of and come up with are just things you heard from TV.
Granted I was forced to do this, but give yourself a break from TV every now and then; you gotta exercise your mind and see what kinda thinker you are. It takes practice and focus, but you'll be proud you did it.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
I have no idea when or where this ghetto quip farted from someone's mouth into the world, but I have to say......right now it's more worn out than a bra strap on a jumpy big titty chick.
Honestly if we actually "keep it real" then most of us would be disgusted with ourselves and one another. I can only truly speak for myself; For this topic i must say with my version of "keeping it real" can result in a 50/25/15/10 percentage split of who I can be (most of the time):
(50%) Being a good guy, honest, giving, helpful, loving those close to me and being positive.
(25%) On the hunt, looking for that next thing to help me grow in life and expand my thinking.
(15%) Keeping to myself, playing the shadow position.
(10%) Highly selfish and can give less than a fuck to those that are not on my good side.
I know people who really "keep it real" and trust me those are the type you really don't want anything to do with; they are not healthy to someone's life other than their own. Keep them at arm's length. I compare them to a ship sailing the seas with its anchor down.
Before you spit those words "I Keep It Real", think to yourself......."Who Am I & Do I Keep It Real With Myself".
Don't be a bastard unless you have to be and as always stay positive.